I usually don’t comment on stuff from Nikki Finke’s Deadline Hollywood Daily.  Her site isn’t really my cup of tea: too breathless, too concerned with “toldja!” and a little too enamored of current WGA and SAG leadership.

On the other hand, her site (unlike this one) exists in no small part to generate readership and ad revenue, and she seems to do that well, so more power to her.

Sometimes Nikki gets into scraps with people. Currently, she’s in a bit of a contretemps with another journalist cum blogger Sharon Waxman.

Nikki takes issue with Sharon’s post about an alleged meeting of big stars giving a prospective thumbs up to a SAG strike.

I think Nikki’s right.

The whole thing smells of bullshit to me.  Here’s Waxman’s opening paragraph:

 

They met in the private room of an Italian restaurant, like in a scene from one of the Godfather movies: Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson, Meryl Streep, Nick Nolte, Annette Bening — about 20 of Hollywood’s great stars from the past 30 years.

Their faces were grave. The subject was serious: the livelihood of the entertainment industry and the prospect of yet another strike, months after the end of a painful writers guild strike.

Waxman goes on to allege that a source told her the group literally voted, with bits of paper, on whether or not SAG should move toward a strike.

In another post (written after Nikki criticized the story), Waxman writes:

Here is what makes me curious about this story. SAG acknowledges that it has occasional meetings “on set” and elsewhere with top stars to talk about issues of the day. How often does this occur? In what context? And who is informed about such matters? Apparently not the membership.

This was when I started to think Sharon had just been rooked, plain and simple.

Yes, these meetings occur in advance of every negotiation.  Yes, there are broad outreach meetings to the membership at large as well as smaller outreach meetings to “top” artists.  The WGA has done this for years (I myself presided over one in Pasadena when I was on the Board in 2004), and I have no reason to think that the DGA and SAG don’t do it as well.

Why shouldn’t they?  The WGA understands that the companies don’t care as much about the rarely-employed.  If the top 200 screenwriters aren’t firmly on board and if the big network and cable showrunners aren’t on board, a strike simply will not work.  Ever.  That holds even more true for SAG. Their big members aren’t just of greater interest to the studio, but they also have the precious ability to get on the news and speak out.

Why would SAG ever dare hold a strike if they thought thirty bigshot actors were going to badmouth them on the news?  Can you imagine how devastating it would be if someone like Morgan Freeman–a man who is routinely paid millions of dollars because he is so good at portraying innate wisdom–went on MSNBC and calmly explained in his Voice of God why the strike was a bad idea?

Who among the general membership of SAG would be dense enough to criticize such efforts by the union?

Yes, of course SAG holds outreaches with big stars and influential actors.  Yes, of course Alan and Doug are both telling them what they think is coming and then asking them for their opinions in return.  Yes, of course they’re trying to gauge whether or not they have real support for a possible strike.

And yes, of course members-at-large presume this happens.

Where Sharon went wrong is turning those obvious, common-knowledge facts into some sort of back-room conspiracy replete with secret ballots. And what would those votes even mean? Is it something as simple as “So…if we struck, would you support us?” Or “write down some of your thoughts on why you would strike, we’d like to know?”

And then rinse-lather-and-repeat that across many meetings, rather than just target one super-secret Godfathery cabal meeting?

Does anyone honestly seriously believe SAG’s strike policy revolves largely around the concerns of Nick Nolte?

Sorry, don’t buy it.

Well…I’ll admit…I thought about buying it…but then I read this from Waxman:

Readers will recall that SAG is not always an organization that makes full disclosure a part of its every day habits. Just weeks ago I broke a story about SAG sitting on $25 million in “unclaimed residuals.”

She’s talking about foreign levies.  I’ve been writing about the foreign levies issue for years now.  Eddie Haskell sued SAG over this very issue over a year ago.  How the hell is she “breaking” this story?  This is old news.  If she’s talking about breaking the fact that number has gone up from 10 million to 25 million, I suppose she can technically count that as a “break,” but is that really something to crow about?

If Variety reports on the discovery of JFK’s clone…and he’s been murdered, stabbed to death 10 times!…and then a year later Sharon finds out that he was really stabbed 15 times…is she really “breaking” that big JFK Clone Murder story?

I know as well as anyone that reporting on the facts of labor-management negotiations and work actions is tricky…people tell you things that they honestly believe are true, and it turns out that they’re not. Mistakes are inevitable.  I was told in the first day of the WGA strike that picketers weren’t covering the truck gate at Warner Brothers, and I was wrong about that one and apologized.  Hell, I myself ended up picketing that gate a few weeks later.

Still, most mistakes are made avoidable simply by knowing more about the world you’re blogging.  Ms. Waxman may have gotten the facts right…

…but I’m pretty sure she got the context completely wrong.

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Christmas is just around the corner, because it’s not summer anymore.  Well, I think that’s the new definition of “Christmas is just around the corner,” and I’m sure that’s why I just received a nice new catalog from The Writers Store.

I’ll probably never get one again after this.

When it comes to the cottage industry of books, software, conventions, pitchfests, readathons and whatever the hell else preys upon the desperate and unsold, I’ve always taken a dim view.

That said, this latest catalog brings a fresh harvest of useless crap, and in the interest of saving you some money during a tough economy, here’s some of the stuff that I think might actually be worth owning, and much more of the stuff that really, really isn’t.

LifeJournal For Writers – $39.95

Writers write.  We’ve all heard that a million times.  Unfortunately, it’s not easy.  That’s where LifeJournal comes in.  You pay $40 for software (ooh, it’s on your computer…!), that lets you “work on drafts, do writing exercises to increase your skill and record thoughts, all the while staying completely organized.” The software encourages you to “write freely, more deeply, and more often.”

The only other tool I can think of that does this is paper.  But if you hate paper, I think you could probably get the same encouragement from a combination of TextEdit and a minimum of one finger.

PASS

 

MacSpeech Dictate – $179.95

“Hey,” you proclaim.  ”I like what you had to say about that LifeJournal, but I don’t have a minimum of one finger! My hands are just palms and knuckles.  Is there writing software for people like me?”

Why yes, there is! MacSpeech Dictate and its similarly expensive PC cousin Dragon Naturally Speaking allow you to TALK your screenplays into your computer! That’s right! If screenwriting was burning up too many calories before, now you can do it without moving at all.

If you are legitimately disabled, then you already have this software, because it’s necessary.

If you’re not, this is just a bad idea. Screenplays are supposed to be written.  The act of writing forces the mind to be disciplined. If you speak screenplays, you will end up with horrendous runs of endless, unedited dialogue. Besides, this isn’t the bridge of the Enterprise, and you’re not Whorf.  Talking commands to your computer is absurd.

Data was the smart one, right? He always typed.

Save the money you’d waste on this and take that much-needed touch typing class at your local night school.

PASS

 

Classic “Writer” Hat – $9.95

It’s a classic! A baseball hat with the word “Writer” on it! In Courier, no less!  Isn’t that great? Now the whole world will know that you HAVE NEVER BEEN PAID TO BE A WRITER.

PASS

 

Quotable Mugs – $14.95

These lovely mugs come with encouraging quotes like “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

Or “Take pride in how far you have come, and have faith in how far you can go!”

I presume the mugs themselves are to collect the copious puke these quotes elicit.

I should start selling mugs that say “Piss Off…I’m Writing”.  Because if you’re not, well, coffee’s for closers, people.

PASS

 

Gorilla – $189 – $399

Making movies was either something film students or professionals could do. Not so anymore. Excellent cameras and editing systems are affordable to the layperson.

All you need to do is have some talent, right?

Well, not exactly. Writing is a skill and directing is a skill, but so is producing. If you’re going to make your own movie, there are about fourteen million tiny moving pieces that need to be planned for, organized, wrangled and executed.

Gorilla seems like a pretty good way to get on top of that, from scheduling to budgeting to call sheets and so forth. I’ve never used it, but the idea of it seems pretty good.

RECOMMEND IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY MAKING A MOVIE

 

The Writer’s Mind – $17.95

This product will help you “increase your creativity, find the motivation to finish your latest writing project, and get rid of writer’s block once and for all.”

What do you think it is?

No, not cocaine.

It’s a CD! And what do you think is on that CD?

No, not a lecture.

It’s….wait for it………here comes the secret…..!

THE SOUND OF GENTLY FALLING RAIN!

At first I was skeptical, because the sound of falling rain always interferes with my ability to finish my latest writing project. Then I went back and read it again and noticed the word “gently.” Ah, NOW I’m intrigued!

Gently falling rain DOES sound motivating!

How does it work? Well, it manipulates our brainwave states through sonic frequencies! Boy, I sure hope so…all that science talk sure has my brain reeling!

And what do the brainwave changing sonic frequencies do? Well, according to this catalog, “your mind will be kicked into creative overdrive!”

Holy shit! MY MIND! IN OVERDRIVE! I CAN SMELL THE DIMENSIONAL FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE! THE THIRD EYE! I AM STARING INTO THE THIRD EYE!!!!!!!

Oh, wait, no…I’m just listening to a CD of rain. Falling.

Gently.

If you buy this product, you are neither a writer nor a person in the Venn Diagram Circle entitled “Not Morons.”

PASS

 

Let’s Sell Your Script – $23.96

Here’s the description of this boook.

“Get prepared to navigate your way toward actually selling your screenplay!”

Well…damn.

The presumption of this book is not that your screenplay is unsellable. No, the book is quite sure that it is.

The presumption of this book is that you’re so psychologically crippled, the mere thought of selling it is paralyzing to you.

First, you must prepare. No, not to sell it…slow down, you’re going to hurt yourself! Just prepare yourself to NAVIGATE.

And then sell it?  Easy now, big fella. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Just navigate your way toward selling it. Just toward it. In that general direction.  But don’t don’t actually get there. And don’t actually even move at all toward it. Just prepare to move toward it. Pack some sandwiches, put on sunblock, that kind of shit.

The word “actually” in “actually sell!” comes with the full payload of your own incredulousness at the notion that you’ll sell this script, or get out of your mom’s basement, or get laid, or not die alone.

PASS

 

So, Is It Done? – $27.96

This book contains “five rounds of revision that you can try on your own or with a group or class.”

I don’t know what the rounds are, I don’t know what the advice is, but yeah. Sure. This can’t hurt. Most writing “groups” are really just circle jerks designed to pump the egos of both the narcissists and the bottomlessly insecure.

But if a writing group actually commits itself to doing the hard work of writing and rewriting and revising and improving, then the participants might actually get something valuable out of it. Even if the advice is bad, the mere act of subjecting one’s self to critique is a necessary part of the growth cycle of a professional writer.

RECOMMEND UNLESS THE BOOK IS STUPID

 

Script Binding Kit – $39.95

Not a bad little package for someone looking to mail out a bunch of scripts. You get three hole punch paper, some nice linen script covers, good old Acco brads, a script binding mallet, and some–

Wait, what?

A script binding mallet? What’s that for, to beat yourself in the face once you realize no one’s buying your 184 page space opera?

I swear to God, just when this thing was looking reasonable, they have to throw in a mallet. I have survived for 15 years in the screen trade without ever malleting a single draft.

Must have been dumb luck.

PASS

 

Scriptfolio – $65-$85

This is a leather clipboard with pockets and so forth for “IDs, credit cards, access passes and business cards.”

Finally, a place to put my business cards and access passes!

Here’s a closely held belief of mine. If you’re a writer and you have business cards, please dispose of them. They’re stupid. Your business cards are your screenplays. No one will ever call you about anything other than your screenplay, and your screenplay has your email address or phone number on it already.

As for the access passes, well I suppose that could come in handy–

–if you’re working inside Blofeld’s volcano.

PASS

 

Little Thinker Writer Dolls – $13.95

11″ tall, soft squishy dolls.  They have Jane Austen, Charlie Chaplin, Edgar Allen Poe, Oscar Wilde, Sherlock Holmes, Virginia Wolfe and William Shakespeare.

Isn’t that just adorable-worable-schmorable?

Still, a few concerns.

First, I don’t know who Virginia Wolfe is. I know who Virginia Woolf is, but let’s not be picky. That’s the sort of mistake only writers would care about, and this isn’t a catalog for…oh.

Right.

And then there’s the famous writer Sherlock Holmes. Yes, I want an 11″ tall soft squishy Sherlock Holmes, because I’m so fond of all the novels he would have written if he had actually existed.

Look, it’s obvious that if you buy anything called a “Little Thinker Writing Doll,” your life is functionally over. You’ve become that person–the sort that just waits around until their heart stops–filling the irrelevant moments of your existence with small, misspelled plush toys that manage to mix up great writers with the characters they created.

If you purchase this item, Arthur Conan Doyle will rise from the dead and smash you in the face, possibly with a….

 

Literary Figure – $9.95

These 5 1/4″ tall hard vinyl ACTION FIGURES are the “perfect writing desk companion!”

You can choose from Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde…again, there’s the inexplicable option of Sherlock Holmes, but just in case that’s not strange enough…

…there’s Leonardo Da Vinci.

Genius, yes. Wonderful painter, illustrator, scientist, thinker…

…but I don’t recall ever reading his novel.

PASS

and finally…

 

Shakespeare Naughty Pillow – $29.95

This is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a pillow with a bunch of “bawdy” Shakespeare quotes.

So you’re a writer…overweight, slouchy posture, pallid skin, bad eyesight…but don’t worry. Once you get those four Long Island Ice Teas into that girl at the bar and bring her back ’round your sweet Valley Village love pad, she’s going to stumble to the bed, catch a glimpse of the naughty pillow and read something like:

But that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle in an invisible baldric all women shall pardon me.

Ohhhhh YEAHHHHHHHHH.

You know what’s great about the Shakespeare Naughty Pillow? It pretty much guarantees you will never have sex for the rest of your fertile life, ensuring the end of every genetic line predisposed to buy stupid crap like a Shakespeare Naughty Pillow.

Might take a few generations, but Darwin is patient.

PASS

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Good. It’s over.

But more importantly, even though I didn’t vote for Barack Obama, I’m happy that he’s my President, and I support him.

I think two very positive things may emerge.

First, I hope that the Republican Party pulls its head out of its ass, quits being the Party of the Evangelicals, and returns to both preaching and practicing the core values: lower taxes, less expensive and intrusive government, self-reliance, entrepreneurialism and a strong defense.

Second, I hope that we shed some of this awful cynicism. See? Diebold didn’t steal Ohio. No one shot Obama. There is no “Bradley” effect. I dread that the cycle will continue, and we’ll see a repeat of what happened when Clinton was elected (the investigations, the accusations, the stupidity from the right wing) or when Bush was elected (the investigations, the accusations, the stupidity from the left wing).

Part of “hope” for me is the hope that we all give each other a little more of a break. Turn away from the blogs that do nothing but spout partisan divisiveness. Stop thinking of elections and government as sporting events.

Maybe I’m just used to this because I’ve voted for the loser three times in a row now.  :)  All I can say is this: I have nothing but the highest hopes for President Obama.

And you should too.

In the next couple of days, I’m going to write a piece about what this could mean for unions in this country.

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