Useless Crap
Posted by Craig Mazin on 15 Nov 2008 at 12:19 pm | Tagged as: The Craft & Trade
Christmas is just around the corner, because it’s not summer anymore. Well, I think that’s the new definition of “Christmas is just around the corner,” and I’m sure that’s why I just received a nice new catalog from The Writers Store.
I’ll probably never get one again after this.
When it comes to the cottage industry of books, software, conventions, pitchfests, readathons and whatever the hell else preys upon the desperate and unsold, I’ve always taken a dim view.
That said, this latest catalog brings a fresh harvest of useless crap, and in the interest of saving you some money during a tough economy, here’s some of the stuff that I think might actually be worth owning, and much more of the stuff that really, really isn’t.
LifeJournal For Writers – $39.95
Writers write. We’ve all heard that a million times. Unfortunately, it’s not easy. That’s where LifeJournal comes in. You pay $40 for software (ooh, it’s on your computer…!), that lets you “work on drafts, do writing exercises to increase your skill and record thoughts, all the while staying completely organized.” The software encourages you to “write freely, more deeply, and more often.”
The only other tool I can think of that does this is paper. But if you hate paper, I think you could probably get the same encouragement from a combination of TextEdit and a minimum of one finger.
PASS
MacSpeech Dictate – $179.95
“Hey,” you proclaim. ”I like what you had to say about that LifeJournal, but I don’t have a minimum of one finger! My hands are just palms and knuckles. Is there writing software for people like me?”
Why yes, there is! MacSpeech Dictate and its similarly expensive PC cousin Dragon Naturally Speaking allow you to TALK your screenplays into your computer! That’s right! If screenwriting was burning up too many calories before, now you can do it without moving at all.
If you are legitimately disabled, then you already have this software, because it’s necessary.
If you’re not, this is just a bad idea. Screenplays are supposed to be written. The act of writing forces the mind to be disciplined. If you speak screenplays, you will end up with horrendous runs of endless, unedited dialogue. Besides, this isn’t the bridge of the Enterprise, and you’re not Whorf. Talking commands to your computer is absurd.
Data was the smart one, right? He always typed.
Save the money you’d waste on this and take that much-needed touch typing class at your local night school.
PASS
Classic “Writer” Hat – $9.95
It’s a classic! A baseball hat with the word “Writer” on it! In Courier, no less! Isn’t that great? Now the whole world will know that you HAVE NEVER BEEN PAID TO BE A WRITER.
PASS
Quotable Mugs – $14.95
These lovely mugs come with encouraging quotes like “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
Or “Take pride in how far you have come, and have faith in how far you can go!”
I presume the mugs themselves are to collect the copious puke these quotes elicit.
I should start selling mugs that say “Piss Off…I’m Writing”. Because if you’re not, well, coffee’s for closers, people.
PASS
Gorilla – $189 – $399
Making movies was either something film students or professionals could do. Not so anymore. Excellent cameras and editing systems are affordable to the layperson.
All you need to do is have some talent, right?
Well, not exactly. Writing is a skill and directing is a skill, but so is producing. If you’re going to make your own movie, there are about fourteen million tiny moving pieces that need to be planned for, organized, wrangled and executed.
Gorilla seems like a pretty good way to get on top of that, from scheduling to budgeting to call sheets and so forth. I’ve never used it, but the idea of it seems pretty good.
RECOMMEND IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY MAKING A MOVIE
The Writer’s Mind – $17.95
This product will help you “increase your creativity, find the motivation to finish your latest writing project, and get rid of writer’s block once and for all.”
What do you think it is?
No, not cocaine.
It’s a CD! And what do you think is on that CD?
No, not a lecture.
It’s….wait for it………here comes the secret…..!
THE SOUND OF GENTLY FALLING RAIN!
At first I was skeptical, because the sound of falling rain always interferes with my ability to finish my latest writing project. Then I went back and read it again and noticed the word “gently.” Ah, NOW I’m intrigued!
Gently falling rain DOES sound motivating!
How does it work? Well, it manipulates our brainwave states through sonic frequencies! Boy, I sure hope so…all that science talk sure has my brain reeling!
And what do the brainwave changing sonic frequencies do? Well, according to this catalog, “your mind will be kicked into creative overdrive!”
Holy shit! MY MIND! IN OVERDRIVE! I CAN SMELL THE DIMENSIONAL FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE! THE THIRD EYE! I AM STARING INTO THE THIRD EYE!!!!!!!
Oh, wait, no…I’m just listening to a CD of rain. Falling.
Gently.
If you buy this product, you are neither a writer nor a person in the Venn Diagram Circle entitled “Not Morons.”
PASS
Let’s Sell Your Script – $23.96
Here’s the description of this boook.
“Get prepared to navigate your way toward actually selling your screenplay!”
Well…damn.
The presumption of this book is not that your screenplay is unsellable. No, the book is quite sure that it is.
The presumption of this book is that you’re so psychologically crippled, the mere thought of selling it is paralyzing to you.
First, you must prepare. No, not to sell it…slow down, you’re going to hurt yourself! Just prepare yourself to NAVIGATE.
And then sell it? Easy now, big fella. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Just navigate your way toward selling it. Just toward it. In that general direction. But don’t don’t actually get there. And don’t actually even move at all toward it. Just prepare to move toward it. Pack some sandwiches, put on sunblock, that kind of shit.
The word “actually” in “actually sell!” comes with the full payload of your own incredulousness at the notion that you’ll sell this script, or get out of your mom’s basement, or get laid, or not die alone.
PASS
So, Is It Done? – $27.96
This book contains “five rounds of revision that you can try on your own or with a group or class.”
I don’t know what the rounds are, I don’t know what the advice is, but yeah. Sure. This can’t hurt. Most writing “groups” are really just circle jerks designed to pump the egos of both the narcissists and the bottomlessly insecure.
But if a writing group actually commits itself to doing the hard work of writing and rewriting and revising and improving, then the participants might actually get something valuable out of it. Even if the advice is bad, the mere act of subjecting one’s self to critique is a necessary part of the growth cycle of a professional writer.
RECOMMEND UNLESS THE BOOK IS STUPID
Script Binding Kit – $39.95
Not a bad little package for someone looking to mail out a bunch of scripts. You get three hole punch paper, some nice linen script covers, good old Acco brads, a script binding mallet, and some–
Wait, what?
A script binding mallet? What’s that for, to beat yourself in the face once you realize no one’s buying your 184 page space opera?
I swear to God, just when this thing was looking reasonable, they have to throw in a mallet. I have survived for 15 years in the screen trade without ever malleting a single draft.
Must have been dumb luck.
PASS
Scriptfolio – $65-$85
This is a leather clipboard with pockets and so forth for “IDs, credit cards, access passes and business cards.”
Finally, a place to put my business cards and access passes!
Here’s a closely held belief of mine. If you’re a writer and you have business cards, please dispose of them. They’re stupid. Your business cards are your screenplays. No one will ever call you about anything other than your screenplay, and your screenplay has your email address or phone number on it already.
As for the access passes, well I suppose that could come in handy–
–if you’re working inside Blofeld’s volcano.
PASS
Little Thinker Writer Dolls – $13.95
11″ tall, soft squishy dolls. They have Jane Austen, Charlie Chaplin, Edgar Allen Poe, Oscar Wilde, Sherlock Holmes, Virginia Wolfe and William Shakespeare.
Isn’t that just adorable-worable-schmorable?
Still, a few concerns.
First, I don’t know who Virginia Wolfe is. I know who Virginia Woolf is, but let’s not be picky. That’s the sort of mistake only writers would care about, and this isn’t a catalog for…oh.
Right.
And then there’s the famous writer Sherlock Holmes. Yes, I want an 11″ tall soft squishy Sherlock Holmes, because I’m so fond of all the novels he would have written if he had actually existed.
Look, it’s obvious that if you buy anything called a “Little Thinker Writing Doll,” your life is functionally over. You’ve become that person–the sort that just waits around until their heart stops–filling the irrelevant moments of your existence with small, misspelled plush toys that manage to mix up great writers with the characters they created.
If you purchase this item, Arthur Conan Doyle will rise from the dead and smash you in the face, possibly with a….
Literary Figure – $9.95
These 5 1/4″ tall hard vinyl ACTION FIGURES are the “perfect writing desk companion!”
You can choose from Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde…again, there’s the inexplicable option of Sherlock Holmes, but just in case that’s not strange enough…
…there’s Leonardo Da Vinci.
Genius, yes. Wonderful painter, illustrator, scientist, thinker…
…but I don’t recall ever reading his novel.
PASS
and finally…
Shakespeare Naughty Pillow – $29.95
This is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a pillow with a bunch of “bawdy” Shakespeare quotes.
So you’re a writer…overweight, slouchy posture, pallid skin, bad eyesight…but don’t worry. Once you get those four Long Island Ice Teas into that girl at the bar and bring her back ’round your sweet Valley Village love pad, she’s going to stumble to the bed, catch a glimpse of the naughty pillow and read something like:
But that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle in an invisible baldric all women shall pardon me.
Ohhhhh YEAHHHHHHHHH.
You know what’s great about the Shakespeare Naughty Pillow? It pretty much guarantees you will never have sex for the rest of your fertile life, ensuring the end of every genetic line predisposed to buy stupid crap like a Shakespeare Naughty Pillow.
Might take a few generations, but Darwin is patient.
PASS
I think if I actually saw someone with a “Writer” hat, I would not be able to stop myself from rearing back and punching them in the eye.
Who. Would. Wear THAT?
A “Writer.”
But never a writer.
The place that copies my scripts (Arnold’s in Studio City) uses a mallet. The place where I had scripts copied before also used a mallet. So I think people are looking at your scripts and secretly thinking you are not professional because the brads haven’t been slammed with a hammer.
You can often find the mallets at the 99 Cents Only store.
Of course, no matter how secure that brad, it doesn’t change what’s on the page.
Hafta say I rather enjoy beating my scripts with a hammer. Teaches those unruly brads a lesson.
Well, let’s be fair– if the Writers Store limited their catalog to stuff we (well, you) actually “need,” their catalog would fit on a 3×5 postcard with room to spare:
[ ] Acco brads [ ] Final Draft [ ] Movie Magic
As for a malleting brads… whenever I feel a need (pr perhaps just sadistic desire) to hammer my brads, I grab the restaurant-style sugar shaker I boosted from a Georgia truckstop (hey, I was impaired — it seemed a useful thing to take) and then go all whack-a-mole on them badboys. . . . B
I laughed. But, I must admit, as someone whose background was in cognitive research when I got my psych degree, and who needs white noise to sleep at night, much less write, I can’t be as derisive to the Writer’s Mind disk.
Binaural beats (which may or may not be what this CD uses) have been shown using Real Science ™ to improve how well people perform various cognitive tasks. If you’re someone who runs the fan, or plays unobtrusive music, or complains about it being “too quiet” when you write, then you might as well go all out and have something that uses binaural beats as your white noise.
Downside: if you’re not wearing headphones it’s just the sound of rain. And even if you are it’s not worth $15. Do a little googling if the idea sounds interesting to you. Lots of ridiculous claims have been made about binaural beats, but there is a solid basis in fact.
Now. Back to that 184 pages space opera.
Erik:
I sleep with a white noise machine too. Masks the noise of wind and if, say, my wife HYPOTHETICALLY snores, which she doesn’t…I mean…no way!
But if she did, I’m saying.
Nevertheless, no matter what science may underlie binaural beats, I believe I’m on safe ground when I suggest that if one is a crap writer, listening to binaural beats isn’t going to change anything.
I don’t mean to come off as a shill, but skip the Writers Store and go to the readers store: the Levenger catalogue has a lot of nice stuff I occasionally find myself drooling over–luxuries for a writer rather than necessities, but worth a look.
i spoke on a panel there. they still tried to sell me shit. puke.
I don’t have business cards — but I’m a guy with a recognizable name and credits that are easily Google-able, so it’s not hard for someone to track me down.
But for ordinary Joes, I’m not opposed to a business card with one’s name and email address on it. Many times when you meet someone at a random event, you find yourself looking for a pen (or your iPhone) to jot down their name and contact information. A basic card does that.
What should I do with all my pens that say writer on the side????
My wife doesn’t snore either. I recommend the Rockabye Baby CDs.
Amazon has ‘em here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dpopular&field-keywords=rockabye&x=21&y=17
Gorilla is a pretty reasonable alternative to higher priced budgeting and scheduling software.
That said, if you’re making an ultra low budget short, save your money for craft service.
Who wrote this post for Craig? It was actually funny.
Someone in a “writer” hat I’ll bet.
That was hilarious! I really want the scriptfolio. Oh, and the hat. Also, I’m saving up for the Brooklyn bridge.
FYI, monaural beats work about as well as binaural ones.
Hemi-sync pitches notwithstanding, that’s straight from a research wonk.
If you’re ever interested, look up the history of William Burroughs’ pal Brion Gyson’s brain machines. These rotating-cylinder affairs were supposed to replace TV. Guess that didn’t happen.
Oh, and my favorite brad bonker was wielded down in Gower gulch by a long gone dupe supervisor.
A cheery Asian guy, he kept a hefty doorknob under the counter and would deftly deliver a couple of whacks where they did the most good. Very uniform compression.
Come to think of it, never saw any roaches in that joint. No mysteries there.
Clearly you’re not a patriotic American, selling cheap crap was the heart of this economy. Think of all the entrepreneurs you’ve just crushed who had dreams of getting wealthy from the selling rubber mallets, or worse, the five Chinese workers pulling down $10 a month to manufacture them.
“Look, it’s obvious that if you buy anything called a “Little Thinker Writing Doll,” your life is functionally over.”
Admit it, you’re just pissed because they rejected the Craig Mazin “Little Thinker Doll.”
Every writer on my Christmas list gets a spiral notebook I bought at the beginning of the school year for $.05 at Walmart. Hey, we’re all scaling back these days.
“Look, it’s obvious that if you buy anything called a “Little Thinker Writing Doll,” your life is functionally over.”
On the other hand, Little Thinker Condoms could be fun. “Show how big your other brain is!”
The people who buy those things are the same people who hang Thomas Kinkade pictures on their walls and read Cliff’s Notes instead of the actual books.
The Writer’s Mind CD: It’s just so frustrating. . .
It’s been lashing down all winter, and I could’ve been out recording it and burning CDs instead of writing a screenplay. To really rub salt into the wound the title of that screenplay was THE SOUND OF GENTLY FALLING RAIN. Incidentally, that was also the first line of scene direction, as in: We hear THE SOUND OF GENTLY FALLING RAIN. Now that this High Concept has been blown open to the world I’ve had to relocate the story from Seattle down to LA and re-write.
The Hero is an aspiring writer who purchases one of said CDs. He fears missing out on that one last vital piece of information, or tool, that will cure his block and assure success. That’s his flaw. Tension rises as he repeatedly leaves faucets running. The love-interest (his wife actually) becomes aware of his deteriorating inner arc when he can no longer leave the house without an umbrella. She discovers that the speaker cables are crossed over and wired anti-phase. His major crisis, at the end of Act two, is when he has failed to become aware of a major water-pipe leak in the roof-space above his study, and his wife threatens him with his binding-mallet. The mallet has, by then, become symbolic of his artistic struggle, and her need for security. She gives him the strength to clear out his in-box and send an unsubscribe email. Ultimately he realises he needs only his mind.
As for the CD I’m thinking of playing it at the pitch.
G-Damn-It!!!! Here I am a month removed from receiving a 4×2 box of goodies from the Writers Store with every item that you gave a “pass”ing grade to that I came to realize what you meant by PASS!!!
Where should I send the invoice?