Who Is The Robotard 8000???

Posted by Craig Mazin on 30 Mar 2009 at 07:57 pm | Tagged as: Miscellany

robot This is not for the faint of heart, the weak of will, the mild of humor.

WHO IS THE ROBOTARD 8000?

It refers to itself as “we,” so it could be two people or 12. If it’s 12 people, they’re all idiots. We know that whoever they are, they are represented by two of the bigger agencies. Well, they claim they are.

Robots don’t lie, though.

They’ve written a screenplay. They’ve called it “Balls Out.”

I’ve read the screenplay.

Here’s what I had to say about it: ”Balls Out isn’t safe, it isn’t family friendly and it might be illegal. But it made me laugh. Out loud. A LOT. Good for them/he/she/it.”

That’s true. But what’s also true is that the script got great quotes from Derek Haas, Scott Frank, Larry Doyle, Tim Herlihy, James Vanderbilt and lots of other big shot type names.

It’s out there. It’s definitely out there. It is, one might say, balls out there.

It’s a wonderfully sloppy hot mess of a funny movie that just might make you hate The Robotard 8K, but you also might end up loving The Robotard 8K. I wanted to hate it, but I couldn’t. God help me, I couldn’t…

Check out their website, which is easily one of the ugliest, most poorly-designed pieces of crap ever enshrined in HTML.

Unless you like Gamera.

Then it’s awesome.

77 Comments »

77 Responses to “Who Is The Robotard 8000???”

#1
on 30 Mar 2009 at 8:13 pm # Ryan Stauffer

I’m glad to know at least one of the people they claim read their screenplay actually did. Settles a small chunk of the question of their legitimacy.

Flaws in the script duly noted, these guys are self-marketing GENIUSES. The script ain’t half bad either; at least I finished it.
#2
on 30 Mar 2009 at 9:30 pm # James Patrick Joyce

Do I smell Tim?
#3
on 30 Mar 2009 at 9:31 pm # NMH

I do like that the domain is registered to Mr. Lou Skunt.

Damn those Simpsons kids…
#4
on 31 Mar 2009 at 6:52 am # David Erickson

Definitely smells like a Talbott (robot)
#5
on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:19 am # Geo

Oh, sure, now you think it is funny. Wait until you discover that an AMPTP owned-and-patented AI really did write it.
#6
on 31 Mar 2009 at 9:41 am # J Lowell

All comments from writers on the front page of Robotard are legit. Go figure.
#7
on 31 Mar 2009 at 10:22 am # Mack

That’s because the Robotard is such a classy group of people.
#8
on 31 Mar 2009 at 10:25 am # Brian

I hope “Balls Out” is about their turtle in the b/g that does gymnastics, because that’s an untapped genre that could support six or seven films. Maybe eight even.
#9
on 31 Mar 2009 at 10:25 am # Francis Bacon

Tripe.

Absolute tripe.

Why you would hawk this shit Mazin is beyond me.
#10
on 31 Mar 2009 at 11:15 am # Craig Mazin

Take it up with Scott Frank.
#11
on 31 Mar 2009 at 11:45 am # Mack

My sources tell me that the Robotard screenplay has already been downloaded 5000 times. My sources also tell me that this amounts to nothing.
#12
on 31 Mar 2009 at 12:42 pm # Ugo

I heard a rumor that one of the writers is a staff writer on “Family Guy”, Patrick Meighan.
#13
on 31 Mar 2009 at 12:56 pm # Derek Haas

Yeah, Mazin. Your integrity is at stake.
#14
on 31 Mar 2009 at 1:35 pm # Heat Miser

Was your quote accurate, Mr. Haas?
#15
on 31 Mar 2009 at 1:42 pm # Derek Haas

40% accurate.
#16
on 31 Mar 2009 at 2:46 pm # Mack

That’s pretty good for you, Haas. You’re known around Hollywood as “the liar” of your group, aren’t you? And how do we even know you’re the real Derek Haas? Do something rockin’. I hear Haas is known for rockin’ out.
#17
on 31 Mar 2009 at 3:29 pm # Derek Haas

I prefer prevaricator.
#18
on 31 Mar 2009 at 3:58 pm # Irene Turner

I prefer Brandt.
#19
on 31 Mar 2009 at 4:14 pm # El Kabong

KA-BAMN!
#20
on 31 Mar 2009 at 4:57 pm # Derek Haas

So do I.
#21
on 31 Mar 2009 at 5:09 pm # ryan roy

whee.
#22
on 31 Mar 2009 at 5:37 pm # Geo

I prefer Lagavulin, personally, but will settle for Laphroaig in a pinch. Hopefully this admission will not destroy my reputation as a friend of the working man. But what the hell, this is a Hollywood forum, not a “Friends of UMWA” one.
#23
on 31 Mar 2009 at 6:19 pm # Earl Newton

I think Tom Cruise wrote it.

For obvious reasons.
#24
on 31 Mar 2009 at 6:21 pm # Anonymous

Wow, what’s wrong with me? I thought Forgetting Sarah Marshall was very funny, but Balls Out, I only snickered a couple of times. (The swarming harp seals would have been funnier if I hadn’t been compelled to think of the swarming cute blue aliens in GalaxyQuest.)
#25
on 31 Mar 2009 at 6:29 pm # Vince Romaine

Seems like everything is wrong with you.

(But Mila Kunis was H-O-T in that interminable Sarah Marshall thing.)
#26
on 31 Mar 2009 at 6:32 pm # zordon

Milla was mind-blowingly hot in that movie.
#27
on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:30 pm # Stuart Creque

Anonymous #24 here.

Yes, she was hot — and she had a decent role, which she played very well. I didn’t feel like there was any character in Balls Out that was similarly appealing or interesting.
#28
on 31 Mar 2009 at 8:27 pm # The Minge

Wait till they cast it with Mila Kunis as Rob Corddry.
#29
on 01 Apr 2009 at 8:48 am # Steve

I thought the script was pretty funny but what I really admire is the writers’ marketing acumen. Posting the script on-line (with reviews no less) is a brilliant marketing ploy.
#30
on 01 Apr 2009 at 11:55 am # Slappy

Too bad it will lead to exactly nothing except a handful of meaningless kudos from internet nobodies.
#31
on 01 Apr 2009 at 12:50 pm # Stuart Creque

Slappy #30: it’s pretty clear that their objective has less to do with getting Balls Out produced and more with getting other writing gigs. For that, it may be just the ticket.
#32
on 02 Apr 2009 at 5:14 am # Loved It

Really loved it. Announces a fresh new voice in comedy despite treading familiar ground. They’ll never let it be a movie, but I hope this Robotard gets to write something else that does get made.
#33
on 02 Apr 2009 at 11:03 am # battledolphinzero

“Loved It.” We are everywhere, and we are watching. We appreciate the love, for this robot has a heart.

And we cry. This robot cries.
#34
on 02 Apr 2009 at 2:06 pm # Loved It

Here.

Use my sleeve…
#35
on 03 Apr 2009 at 1:45 am # Mr. Studio Head

Dear Robotards,

Please add some explosions, some superheroes (I’m thinking a guy that can throw playing cards at you, like, SUPER hard and then hit a cane into the ground that somehow causes a shockwave or something for no reason other than to extend the faux conflict between two other boring and badly drawn characters) and the line “I’m so cold…” and we’ll give you $150 million to make it.
#36
on 04 Apr 2009 at 5:37 pm # Josh Olsen

Just read this.

Overhyped doesn’t begin to describe it, bubba…
#37
on 04 Apr 2009 at 7:44 pm # Mack

Don’t you come around here pissing on masterpieces, man.
#38
on 04 Apr 2009 at 9:26 pm # Josh Olsen

Ay, yi yi yi…
#39
on 04 Apr 2009 at 11:07 pm # Stuart Creque

Has anyone else read DOG DAYS by Mark Davidson?
#40
on 04 Apr 2009 at 11:29 pm # battledolphinzero

I haven’t!
#41
on 05 Apr 2009 at 2:19 pm # Stuart Creque

battledolphinzero #40: keep a weather eye out for it. I have no idea whether it will be circulated, but I really liked it and it gave me a higher standard to shoot for with my own writing.

BTW: Is “battledolphinzero” the root dolphin battle, the central coordinating battle dolphin, or the latest score for the dolphin in the battle? Or am I free to daydream about any or all of the possibilities? (I warn you – I tend to incline toward Iron Chef interpretations of any phrase in the canonical form {<”battle”><noun(edible)>[]}.)
#42
on 06 Apr 2009 at 8:37 am # Cocles

If you DID like BALLS OUT, try to dig up a copy of Uber-Sheep. BALLS OUT is almost a spiritual sequel to it.

No, I’m not (nor know) the writer of Uber-Sheep.
#43
on 06 Apr 2009 at 9:16 am # battledolphinzero

Cocles, I will search for Uber Sheep. I trust you as a brother and a son.
#44
on 07 Apr 2009 at 1:36 pm # moneyeyes

I gave you a Dardos Award. Congratulations. It’s here: http://ironyville.blogspot.com/2009/04/dardos-awards-moneyeyes-style.html
#45
on 08 Apr 2009 at 1:29 pm # battledolphinzero

If anyone wants to know how motherfucking awesome our motherfucking script motherfucking is, they should listen to these men who are considered by all of hollywoood to be the best and smartest motherfuckers fucking the mothers of this business…

http://pdfscreenplays.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/pdf-podcast-episode-06.m4a
#46
on 08 Apr 2009 at 4:24 pm # Matt Hugs

Francis Bacon #9: What’s wrong with tripe? That’s racism, and not the watered down stuff you get from watching Crash, that’s for rhehlz.

I love tripe. I loved this tripe. Sure it devolved into a grotesque, retarded foster child of ‘Office Space’. That doesn’t mean it can’t love, or be loved. We’re to be married, this, “abomination” and I… We’ll hold each other in the night, and once the fire dies, it’ll just be a memory. A memory of what never was, yet should have been. If it wasn’t for Tom Cruise being exactly this character to the point it would no longer seem fitting to call it a role but more suitably an auto-erotic showcasing of his waning grip on reality gasp for air, he might have done it.

Unless Tom Cruise wants to redeem himself entirely, he’ll never do it.

Oh, and Forget Sarah Marshall blew, though I’ve never seen it, the previews were testament enough to it’s well capable oral come-post receptacle.
#47
on 09 Apr 2009 at 9:39 am # Kevin Arbouet

I don’t think this is everyone’s cup of tea. And by cup of tea, I mean big bucket of steaming horse shit. If (and when) this screenplay gets sold to some major studio, I’m gonna go out and rape a little autistic boy…you know, balance of the world and all.
#48
on 09 Apr 2009 at 10:29 am # battledolphinzero

Kevin, you are correct about whose cup of tea it is. You are also correct in your world-balancing process.

Only good things will happen for a man with your mind.
#49
on 09 Apr 2009 at 10:45 am # Brett Meisner

The script is very funny and needs to be made. I know someone who claims they can get the script to Tom. Let’s see what happens (unless this person is full of hot air of course)

Either way it’s a very clever marketing idea for the writers. Well done!

Brett
#50
on 10 Apr 2009 at 4:23 am # Jacob Sager Weinstein

In a word…SMASHING!

Bravo, gents!

This script is tip top!

I reckon the lot a yas is in for a long run at the top o’ the pops, know what I mean…
#51
on 10 Apr 2009 at 8:30 am # keith

Congratulations on the marketing success, Robotard 8000. I look forward to reading version 2.0 when you have the bugs worked out.
#52
on 10 Apr 2009 at 9:54 am # battledolphinzero

Jacob,

Brett,

we are so happy about your posts we are willing to do-it to you. For free.

Normally we only do-it to dudes for the cash monies, but that’s because the dudes are always bastards. You two are nice. If you want some, or want something done to you, we’ll get on top of either–or both–of you and make some gruesome shit happen.

In all seriousness,

thanks.
#53
on 10 Apr 2009 at 12:08 pm # Guyot

Snakes On a Plane, people….
#54
on 10 Apr 2009 at 12:35 pm # Stuart Creque

“It’s Tom Cruise on a helicopter! Tom MUTHAFUCKIN’ Cruise! On a MUTHAFUCKIN’ helicopter!”
#55
on 11 Apr 2009 at 3:35 am # TURTLE POUNDER

GAMERA RULES!

HE RULES!

AND HE DOES IT FOR THE CHILDREN!

(well, not ALL of the children…but for SOME of them!)
#56
on 11 Apr 2009 at 11:05 am # Stuart Creque

Gamera does it for the adorable little slant-eyed children. He pities them because they can’t get their words to come out at quite the same time as their lips and tongue form them. He is their own Special Olympian.

But the real question is: what the hell does he eat to get those jets to come out of all four leg-holes in his shell at once? That kind of behavior could get you stabbed in a motel room in Texas.
#57
on 12 Apr 2009 at 4:53 am # Mongo

Was this really a “very clever marketing idea”?

We were depressed that our reps wouldn’t take BALLS OUT out as a spec and some of our friends said, “Fuck it. Why don’t you just throw it up on the internet and see what happens?”

So we did.

And despite the tremendous validation we’ve felt regarding the response it’s garnered, nothing has really happened.

The script has been downloaded almost 7000 times, yet we have no indication that anyone who could possibly buy it or hire us (as The Robotard 8000, not individually) has even read it.

So yeah, it may seem clever but I don’t know if it really is.

Other than convincing us that we were right and our reps were likely not.

Which is FUCKING AWESOME!
#58
on 12 Apr 2009 at 6:23 am # mookid

@mongo

have you tried uwe boll? srsly.
#59
on 12 Apr 2009 at 8:12 am # battledolphinzero

Mongo, that’s a sad little post. It makes me sick. You sicken me with your lack of verve. I will guarantee you that very soon we will be in negotiations with a legitimate prod/co for a significant payout.

I’ve got things cooking. I just don’t like telling you because you’re a fucking moron.
#60
on 12 Apr 2009 at 11:33 am # Stuart Creque

Mongo: in all of the references to Balls Out I have seen, not once has “Robotard 8000″ been misspelled. That’s proof positive that it’s a very clever marketing idea.

Buck up, li’l buddy!
#61
on 12 Apr 2009 at 2:05 pm # Mongo

I often forget that last zero and have to go back in and edit.
#62
on 12 Apr 2009 at 3:24 pm # Stuart Creque

When life gets too hectic, and you’re afraid that last zero is gonna slip your mind, just remember:

You’re never alone. You always have a zero with you…

… your own special zero…

… a magic, jolly, candy-like zero…

… a battledolphinzero!!!
#63
on 12 Apr 2009 at 9:17 pm # Carson Reeves

The Robotard is basically a marketing genius. This script will never sell. He/they/it knows this. But it’s managed to get them more face time than some of Hollywood’s most credited writers. Might we see Robotard win an Oscar? A stripper won it. Why not a robot?
#64
on 13 Apr 2009 at 5:13 am # Mongo

Carson,

There is zero marketing skill involved at all.

We just want to see the movie and laugh even a fraction as much as we did when we were writing it.

The fact that we could not send our script out to the marketplace based solely on the fact that our reps didn’t respond to/were afraid of it led to the drastic and silly action of posting the script on the internet.

It’s been a fun ride but this endeavor has failed and we’re good with it.

We’re sincerely glad that people enjoyed the read.

But now it’s back to writing soul-reaving, cookie-cutter shit individually in order to pay the rent.
#65
on 13 Apr 2009 at 7:20 am # Kevin Arbouet

Mongo:

All jokes aside, not one producer has contacted you about this?
#66
on 13 Apr 2009 at 8:24 am # battledolphinzero

I don’t see it as a fail.

We wrote a good screenplay.

We earned the respect of writers who we respect.

And we exposed ourselves to the public. Without going to jail.

Also, one thing I’ve learned is, a good spec never dies. They ALWAYS pay off in the long run. You never know how, but they always do.
#67
on 13 Apr 2009 at 10:16 am # Stuart Creque

battledolphinzero,

You had the balls to do what the writers of Animal House did not. You took the raw raunch exemplified by National Lampoon back in its heyday and turned it into a screenplay. You went way beyond explaining that Pinto got his nickname because his nutsack was mottled like a pinto bean: you went balls out, and for that you deserve full marks.

If a producer needs something written with the same fearlessness, the same willingness to put the unmentionable into words, who better to turn to than the Robotard 8000?

As for Balls Out, fuck ‘em. If you believe in it strongly enough and no one else will step up to produce it, produce it yourselves.
#68
on 13 Apr 2009 at 10:29 am # battledolphinzero

Stuart, you’re correct. If we really wanna make this movie, we will. It’s cheap enough and good enough that it could be done.

The problem is we’ve nursed off the studio tit (teet? tete?). The same system that has frustrated us has also paid our bills and weekend our independent streak. Perhaps “FADE THE FUCK IN:” was the mark of a spoiled brat lashing out. If so, we’ll crawl back into our rooms and write FADE IN:.

Or, perhaps we’ll be embraced. I mean, Borat was as edgy as our script…easily. But Sasha powered that himself so, maybe this all goes back to us being cowards.

GENIUS COWARDS that is.
#69
on 13 Apr 2009 at 5:58 pm # Stuart Creque

Teat.

With the proper SEC paperwork, you’ve got 7,000 folks whom you can approach for microinvestments. Units of $1K each? You ought to be able to raise somewhere in the low seven figures easy. Which in turn might be the catalyst for additional funding to get you to eight figures.

And there ain’t nothing wrong with “FADE THE FUCK IN:”. It’s about the best example of truth in advertising that I’ve seen in a while: no one who reads that can complain that they didn’t know what they were getting into.
#70
on 13 Apr 2009 at 8:38 pm # battledolphinzero

Teat.

Yeah, that’s it.

Teat.
#71
on 14 Apr 2009 at 2:08 am # Mongo

(titties)
#72
on 14 Apr 2009 at 8:46 am # JB

Keep “FADE THE FUCK IN:” it’s brilliant. I thought the script was outstanding. The Tom Cruise bit was sublime. Utterly sublime. Also the twice repeated Ed Harris lines from The Abyss slayed me. I love a nice homage. Kudos all around. And I love Gamera. Robotard 8000K is alright in my book.

JB
#73
on 14 Apr 2009 at 9:04 am # battledolphinzero

You’re teats in my book, too, JB.
#74
on 14 Apr 2009 at 10:37 am # Stuart Creque

No, sir. Titties are strictly for entertainment. Teats are for nourishment.

Unless you’re 90 years old and really REALLY wealthy. Then they’re for both, and who gives a fuck what you call ‘em?
#75
on 15 Apr 2009 at 12:54 pm # Screenwriting Student

haha!! http://www.nyfa.com/film_school/programs/screenwriting/
#76
on 15 Apr 2009 at 3:24 pm # battledolphinzero

Maybe we should have gone to school, Screenwriting Student.
#77
on 17 Apr 2009 at 5:57 am # Mongo

Our time is through here.

Big thanks to Craig Mazin for making all of our dreams come true!

(We’re naming a character in the sequel after him. This character has AIDS and chlamydia and a profound sense of entitlement.)

Prah, y’all!