Born To Lose...
The premiere of Scary Movie 4 is this Monday. What better time to contemplate what an enormous failure I am? Of course, it’s not my choice. Stupid blog tag things. Stupid, stupid, stupid blog tags! Why must you torment me? Well, the way I see it, once August does it, I’m a jerk for not doing it.
Thanks, August.
This latest survey comes from frequent commenter Kevin Arbouet. I shall do my best to answer these questions honestly, although it hurts. It really hurts.
WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN?
Hmm. Probably the first script I ever wrote with my then-partner. We thought we were so goddamned funny, and we were. Unfortunately, the script read like a 100 page live-action Simpsons episode. Had it been filmed, it would have been the worst movie ever. Ever. EVER.
WHAT’S THE WORST LINE YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN?
In my adapation of Harvey, a female character confronts a womanizing guy with what her friend once said about him.
KELSO: What was Lara’s line about you? (remembers) “Dr. Sachs, the man who put the comma in ‘drop dead, gorgeous’.”
Wow. Where to begin? Well, for starters, I loved that line when I wrote it, because I thought it was ohhhhh so clever. Unfortunately, it feels like a line. In fact, it’s a line about line. No, it’s a line about a line about line. There’s single quotes inside double quotes inside dialogue! Ridiculous. And precious. Argghhh.
WHAT’S THE WORST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GIVEN?
“Don’t quit Princeton. You’ve only got one year left. If you drop out now and don’t get your degree, you will regret it for the rest of your life.”
That’s me in 1992 talking to a friend named Linus Upson. Linus dropped out. Then he went to work for Steve Jobs. Then he invented AvantGo. Then he invented some other crap I don’t understand, but it made him a lot of money. Then he invented this new spam filter called Qurb. He’s doing fine. I was wrong. Totally, completely wrong.
WHAT’S THE ONE TIME YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP BUT YOU DIDN’T?
When I was a kid, someone made a nasty comment about Jews. See, I don’t have a very typical Jewish last name, and I look vaguely Italian or something-ish, so I suppose this other kid figured I was Catholic like him.
I said nothing.
I think I said nothing more to avoid his embarrassment, but the result was that I was the one left feeling shame.
WHAT’S THE WORST PITCH MEETING YOU’VE EVER HAD?
This is an easy one.
Years ago, my then-partner and I worked with Betty Thomas on a pitch, and then went to pitch it to a producer we’ll call Eric. Naturally, it was a comedy, and I was already friendly with Eric, so it was very casual and fun. About five minutes into the pitch, Eric’s assistant walks into the conference room, which is highly unusual, as assistants are trained to stay out of pitch meetings.
She’s ghostly white.
She says she has a call for Eric and he needs to get it RIGHT NOW.
He gets up and walks to his office. All of us are left in the room, hoping that it’s not something awful. About a minute passes, and then Eric goes RUNNING BY, yelling at us as he goes.
“I HAVE TO GO!”
And he’s gone. We’re shocked. The assistant returns. I ask her if everything’s okay. She’s crying. Crying! “No. You guys should go.”
Shaken, we all head over to the reception area, when the assistant comes running back toward us.
“Don’t go! Eric’s coming back.”
Are you kidding?
He rushes out of the elevator, back into the room, out of breath, pale. Apparently, Eric’s wife put their newborn daughter in the crib, took a shower, came back out…and the baby was gone. Kidnapped. Stolen.
Turns out the babysitter had arrived on the wrong day, took the kid for a stroll around the block, and all’s well.
Eric asked us to finish the pitch.
Ouch.
WHO’S THE ONE PERSON YOU’D NEVER WORK WITH AGAIN AND AREN’T AFRAID TO NAME?
James Gunn. Not that there would ever be a circumstance in which we would work together again, but you asked, so I’ll answer. I think James is a really talented guy, but he’s not my cup of tea. At all. And I ain’t his.
WHAT’S THE WORST SCRIPT IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD?
Probably this one.
WHAT’S THE WORST THING ABOUT YOU BEING ON SET?
I tend to get blabby with the actors, and that pisses the 1st AD off.
WHAT’S YOUR WORST WORKING HABIT?
John August described his as going back over yesterday’s work before moving on to today’s work, which I also do, but I think of that as a good habit, so there you go.
My worst working habit is feeling like I need to know the scene before I start writing it. Sometimes, I think I’d be better off just starting the writing and seeing where it takes me.
WHAT’S THE WORST MISTAKE YOU’VE EVER MADE?
Starting smoking. So stupid. Seven years of it. I quit ten years ago, and thank God, but it was really hard, and I hope I didn’t do any permanent damage.
Hey Craig, I’ve never been a huge fan of the Scary Movie series, but I saw a commercial the other day that had me laughing out loud and made me want to see this one. So, good job! Looking forward to it now.
the worst mistake you ever made was starting smoking? hmm. that’s not bad. are you bragging?
i smoked for a while. boy, how dumb (no offense to smokers). i quit. took two years of hard work. however, that’s certainly not the worst thing i ever did. one time i robbed a bank. got away with 14 million dollars. that was pretty bad.
z
Wow, great, very interesting. Thanks, Craig for the answers and Kevin for the questions :-D
Your name doesn’t sound jewish but you are. Superheroes are not jewish but their names sound like… ;-) Another but paradoxal connection between you and superheroes. Think about it…
Speaking up would have been like a passing jogger throwing his water on a roadside grass fire. Was it better than doing nothing? Not much. Now, he still has two miles to go with a hundred yards next to a raging flame — and no water.
Ignorant and intolerant people who see generalizations and stereotypes work as humor on film and television sometimes think they’ll get the same reaction offscreen. Other times, they’re just roadside fires trying to enlarge their territory by throwing out sparks and hoping to ignite something on the other side.
Craig:
Thanks for answering the questions and I promise to never tag you again. By the way, I just flew back in from Russia and Scary Movie 4 posters were everywhere. I don’t know how the movie will eventually turn out but the advertising was everywhere.
It actually got a bit annoying…
By the way, here’s the funniest 2 links that we share.
I actually had an idea about a nerdy janitor that has an accident in a lab. The result: He loses each one of his senses every day. And I entitled it, Senseless.
The movie I directed that’s still in post, Serial, is listed on IMDB and it randomly recommends Scary Movie as an alternate movie title. My film is a thriller so…
MBAtchellor:
“Speaking up would have been like a passing jogger throwing his water on a roadside grass fire.”
Wait…what?
Why would the 1st AD be pissed off that you are talking with the actors?
Craig, you killed it with the link to Senseless. Never saw that one coming. Thanks for the good laugh today and thanks for the blog!
James:
Because frivolous gabbing can slow down your day, and the 1st AD is in charge of keeping things moving expeditiously.
Craig, “Information, theory and debate for the professional telvision and film writer.”
Why must we remain captive to some ‘frequent commenters’ high school chain letters/tagging. “…I promise to never tag you again,” Kevin writes. And we ask Kevin, “do you promise your mommy you’ll never lie again either?”
Came here to learn, yeh the hindsight is interesting and full of wisdom, for about ten seconds, and now we have to wait and wait and wait.
Dude, next time write for Oprah and not on a blog for introspect. You’re the kind of dude that us NYers want to erase! We have a running bet you have a mad crazy lover, whose a not-in-the-biz kind of woman and you’d end up allowing her to slip through your hands. (Then think it’s great stuff for a script.)
You gotta be from the West man. I got a five on it, and a Corona.
Xavier
I don’t want to ask questions that might cause trouble, so I’ll just get to the point: What exactly is the root of the problem with James Gunn? I mean, again, I don’t want to ask a question you don’t want to answer since you seemed to dodge it earlier anyway. But, if you could, I wouldn’t mind some elaboration on the subject. It’s mainly because I heard Gunn can one “one of THOSE guys”, meaning you like him or you don’t… but they never say why. Just wondering.
Xavier:
Born in Brooklyn. Grew up on Staten Island until I was 13, then New Jersey for high school and college. Sorry about the fiver and the Corona.
And I’ve been married to my very sane wife for 10 years now.
You’re terrible at this. :)
BTaylor:
I’ll keep dodging.
Xavier:
I can never promise my mom I’ll never lie again. I’m a producer. That’s what I do.
Btaylor:
I can tell you exactly why Craig would never work with James Gunn again. James spells his last name with 2 “n“‘s. And that’s just weird.
Don’t even bother asking why Craig and Michael Mann had a falling out…
Craig, “Dude, next time write for Oprah and not on a blog for introspect.” That was intended for Kevin. You wrote that this questionnaire came from having been tagged by your ‘frequent commenter’.
Thanks for the info. on you, we already knew, been on here a while. It’s because of you that we keep comin’ back.
No offense meant to any from the West! But us NYers…
It’s Kevin we’re talkin’ to referencing his mad crazy lover. (not the insane type, but the head snappin’ type.) Ya know someone like him got some smokin’ hot lady and he is just too, let’s just say, he’s just too Kevin to realize the gold that is in his corner.
Like seeing advertising in another part of the world could really get… “a bit annoying,” rather that rallying around us writers and a blog commenters championing?
Here I go thinking I was that close to getting insider scoop information. Now I’m left with my penis in the wind and a cold chill running down my spine. Somehow I think they’re related.
Xavier:
What?
Your posts have me so lost, I feel like an overrated television show on ABC. First of all, Craig knows I’m kidding about the “a bit annoying” comment. In fact, I’m betting everyone knows I was being sarcastic.
I haven’t felt this kind of unwarranted hatred since my first—wait a minute…you’re not my ex-wife are you?
And you’re wrong again. I’m a New Yorker born and bred.
As far as my lady goes, she is Gold and I do realize it. Why I’m talking about my girlfriend on a screenwriting site, I have no idea. And who is this “we”, you keep referencing? Is there a website out there entitled, www.whoiskevinbanging.com? If there is I’m a bit offended I haven’t been given a chance to post on it.
And yeah, I promised never to tag Craig again because although they can be fun and ultimately informative, they can also be real annoying too. But sometimes a light funny anecdote is just what the doctor ordered.
Okay okay let ‘us’ explain…
Craig,
This site is the place we rest on for ALL the information that is worth placing time. We have been with you for over a year or so, something like that.
We, and that is me X and who ever drops by = “we”. We read, roar, and read more to learn.
We’ve seen this questionaire on other blogs, and have read Kevin go on and on! Then to our horror, he gets a tip from …you. :( Just when we had Genesis?
We got pissed because like I’d said, we come to learn, read and learn.
Kevin,
You rant and rant like you’ve lived in CA and no ones supposed to pick that up? You may have been born and bred here dude, but you are such a dude from the West. (I’m still holdin’ onto the five and Corona, you had to have lived in CA., again no offense to any peeps.)
We’re not bettin’ on your ‘girlfriend’ man. In addition to her, you know you got some amazin’ lady, guys like you, who rant like you, titilate the not-in-the-biz intellectuals. And it is your type that ruins it for us when it is our turn, because (if you go back and read yourself) you live like you’re it, and gems like your lover never get fulfilled, you’re too busy filling yourself up dude - just go back and read man.
Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend!
We wouldn’t know you’re being sarcastic, indicate in the margin next time man, sounded like a boat load of jealousy if you ask “us”. Unite dude, Craig mentioned that a couple of blogs ago. Start now man…
Don’t worry Kevin, your day will come, maybe just maybe you’ll bump into some angel and she’ll have some pixie dust that she can sprinkle on you and you’ll be inside her groove and she will bring you your moment - when she does, HOLD TIGHT MAN, because whiners shouldn’t be rewarded.
Hope that was clear enough. Craig man, our bad for any confusion. Keep teaching and giving us a ring side seat! X Co.
Xavier:
Now I KNOW you’re my ex-wife.
But seriously, I’ve been pretty patient with you for a couple of reasons. One, you sound more than a little nutty. And two, I know I’m doing something right if somebody out there hates me.
It would be nice however if we could argue over an issue that matters and not some goddamn blog tag. And if you read the other comments on this page, some people actually enjoy these things.
Ease up on the hostility and focus on your writing. That’s what’s important. It’s probably not a good idea to piss someone off and not know a thing about them.
The Sopranos is on. Gotta go!
“Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend!”
I am weirdly fascinated by this sentence.
I have found this particular bunch of tags informative. We learn more from our mistakes than our successes. In this case, we have a chance to learn something from the pro’s mistakes.
Call me crazy, but thanks to all the pro’s who have answered this one. cheers Dave.
Hi Craig. Just thought I’d let you know that the critic for the “News Of The World” (one of the UK’s biggest selling Sunday papers) yesterday called SM4 “quite simply the funniest film of the year” and awarded it 4 stars. So the good reviews start to roll in already…good luck with the opening.
IMO, this is a interesting article for ONE reason : Now, we all know that Craig is a human being with childhood and feelings.
Seriously, it’s good to have sometimes that kind of articles. Even if it’s not 100% related to the screenplay or the screenwriting, it’s 100% related to the person who’s trying to talk to us and advice us, like a big brother or a “godfather” or whatever you want. Learning more about him can help him and us to create a link, and not have that “cold” atmosphere when you chat on the net. It gives you the feeling that you know the guy who is “in front” of you better… Well, if someone can explain that feeling better than me , it could help, thanks :D
I just want to add that I also appreciate all the responses to Kevin’s tag. The responses are incredibly informative! And if other screenwriters are hesitant to answer these questions, please hurry up and answer!
Great Craig, thanks a lot. So your WORST idea still gets made and makes you money while we have to struggle and watch our best ideas still fight to see the light of day! ;-)
Missed you at the Scriptwriters Showcase on Friday. Was looking forward to meeting you. I’m guessing you had some Scary Movie 4 stuff to take care of?
Fun Joel:
Sorry about the no-show. I was actually under the weather. The whole family has been passing a flu around…
Bummer. Hope you’re feeling better, and look forward to meeting you at some later date!
Am I the only one picturing Gollum while I read Xavier’s comments?
“Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend…and Kevin is our precious!”
I enjoy the dialogue, even if generated by a simple tag.
I am now making a promise—no, a solemn vow, that the next movie I make will contain the phrase:
“Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we have the next…Snakes On A Plane.
I am now making a promise—no, a solemn vow, that the next movie I make will contain the phrase:
“Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we have the next…Snakes On A Plane.
I am now making a promise—no, a solemn vow, that the next movie I make will contain the phrase:
“Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we have the next…Snakes On A Plane.
I am now making a promise—no, a solemn vow, that the next movie I make will contain the phrase:
“Golden is the lover, not the girlfriend!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we have the next…Snakes On A Plane.
Whoa, whoops.
A Quadruple post. Now that’s embarrassing.
Let’s see - either Craig is still partying as I write this or, more likely, sound asleep.
But when you do get up: Congrats on the premiere! The trailer, which I just watched, is laugh-out-loud funny. It seems to me that the film has the kind of lighthearted and broad (direction-wise) humour that travels well.
So, are you going to take a week ot two off now? Or are you the kind of person who finds time off boring?
(and btw: why isn’t the trailer on the Apple trailer page?)
Wow, Anna, you’re goooood. I woke up 32 minutes ago. :)
Thanks for the kind words. I am taking two weeks off, then it’s back to work.
Why isn’t the trailer on the Apple page? Watch the trailer again. They were none too pleased.
You’re kidding?
They’re compounding the problem they think they have.
In my view.
I was sure he wouldn’t manage to work so much without vacancy ;D
Well, take some rest and we wish you a quick recovery !
Anna:
I know. But hey…that’s them…