Screenplays, Selling and Animal Sex
Which one’s the screenwriter?Every weekday in Los Angeles, the ritual begins. Writers pitch their ideas and screenplays and thoughts on rewrites to the gatekeepers. There are more sellers than buyers. The buyers seem to have all the power. It’s not unusual to hear writers describe the near-successes in unpleasant sexual terms.
“I got bent over.”
That’s one of my favorite.
Still, among our many running themes here at The Artful Writer, one of my favorites is this: writers have more power than they think. It upsets me to see so many of my colleagues view themselves in various gradations of powerlessness or victimhood, particularly when I think the truth belies that in a very serious way.
If we’re victims of anything, it’s a con game designed to make us think we’re victims.
I’ve been on both sides of the buying and selling table, and I’ve learned a few things. When I analogize how this business works, I really do try and elevate it all as best I can, but something about Hollywood seems to fit so beautifully with sex.
And so, I offer you my theory on why they dynamics of selling screenplays is not so different from that of animal mating strategies.
In the early 70’s, a sociobiologist named Robert Trivers proposed an interesting analysis of sexuality as it related to what is the ultimate purpose of sexuality—the reproduction of the gene.
Sorry. Scratch that. The successful reproduction of the gene. See, what Trivers noticed was the truth right in front of us. Every time a male had sex with a female, he increased the likelihood that his genetic material would be reproduced. Given the biological circumstances of male sexuality, this could theoretically happen every hour or so, with no real risk to the male.
Females, on the other hand, were in a bit of a dicier situation. If a female had sex with a male, they also increased the likelihood that their genetic material would be reproduced. However, if reproduction were successful, this could only happen once per gestational period. This period could be weeks or months, depending on the species, but always a significant percentage of the female’s overall fertility period. The female would then need to care for the offspring for a certain amount of time, putting her at risk. Furthermore, and most importantly…
…they could die just from giving birth.
Given those immutable facts of life, what would the optimal reproductive strategies for each gender be?
For males of most species, it appears that having as much sex as possible with as many females as possible as many times as possible is the most advantageous strategy.
For females of most species, carefully choosing the most qualified mate is the most advantageous strategy, because if you’re going to dedicate time and energy and perhaps your life itself to your offspring, you want it to have the best chance of survival.
Screenwriters are sometimes made to feel like the wallflower girls at the prom that no one wants. And given the machismo and aggression of studio executives (Swimming With Sharks is a great title for this very reason), it might seem like they’re the males, waiting to screw us poor gals at every possible turn.
But that’s not true.
The truth is that we’re the males, they’re the females, and they know it.
Every time we sell a script, we succeed. Every time. Maybe the script dies in development. Maybe it gets made but the movie bombs. Maybe the movie from our script is so bad, it literally kills the studio (happens every now and then). But no matter what, we get paid.
And while the last script we wrote is being raised by its studio mother, we’re off banging…excuse me, selling…to another studio.
From the studio point of view, everything is about managing risk. They will spend hundreds of thousands in the hopes that this mating will work out. When it doesn’t, they’re worse off than the writer. Every time. Remember, the people who do the buying don’t own the company. We’re not talking about industrial stockholders or Chairmen of the Board. We’re talking about the Sr. VP of Development, a guy who makes $600,000 a year…but who gives writers millions of dollars a year.
If we fail him, we’re on to the next Sr. VP. Oh, and he usually gets fired.
What I’m saying is…don’t think they’re not as scared as we are.
So, whether you’re a male or female writer, you’re still the male for all intents and purposes. And like any male wandering into a bar, you need a strategy.
You could be the seducer. The guy who gets the studios hot and bothered over your sexy pitch, closes the deal, then skips out a few weeks later when the sex gets boring and the rewrites get hard.
But who likes that guy?
The other strategy is monogamy. Long-term relationships. Co-parenting. Partnership. Signal to the female that you’re not looking to just knock them up and split. Let them know you want to bring a movie into the world together (awwwww), and you’ll be with them the entire way…as long as you can keep being a good dad.
Does this mean you won’t get rewritten? No. The animal kingdom has its own version of rewrites. Male lions have harems. They impregnate their females. But if a more dominant male comes along, not only will he steal the females from the first male, but he’ll kill the poor sap. Then to add insult to injury, the females will either abort or kill their own offspring from the first male…precisely so that they can be available to reproduce with the new, stronger male.
This is much worse than getting fired off a second draft by New Line, I assure you.
Still, evolutionary biology shows that in species where offspring are high investment (i.e. gestational periods are long, newborns need special care), monogamy emerges as a powerful strategy. Humans obviously fit this bill. So do those adorable penguins we all saw in that documentary.
And so do movies.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a Lothario. I know a lot of screenwriters who do this and make a terrific living. Sure, I think being a monogamous screenwriter and staying with the project from conception to leaving-the-nest (hopefully on 3,500+ screens) is a better and more productive strategy. But it’s not the only one.
All that matters is that you don’t buy into the lie that you’re the one who’s getting “screwed”. You’re the seducer. They are the choosy ones.
Go get ‘em, tiger.
Poor lions. Aliken to the screenwriter.
So males have the upper hand, socio-biologically speaking, because they do the screwing, whereas females get screwed?
It’s really odd, come to think of it, that the slang term for sexual intercourse is also used as a metaphor for being deceived or cheated (victimized, basically). Or is it the other way around?
By using the two meanings interchangably you’re basing your case on semantics to a large extent, rather than biology, socio- or not.
But to get to the real point you’re making, about the importance of screenwriters assuming the male role in their dealings with studios, I mean male in the sense of being totally indispensable. And thoroughly sexy, of course.
Biologically speaking the studios are almost continually in heat — which is good news for screenwriters. New offspring (films) need to be delivered on a steady basis, year in and year out.
So the studios are pretty desperate for conception(s) to occur. But the thing is, they’re picky — just like females in the wild. They only want the alpha-writers, the ones they know can wrestle the weak to the grround — the talentless, juveniles and assorted wannabes.
But talented and hard-working zeta-writers can eventually attain alpha status in the eyes of the ova we call studios. It’s possible. It happens all the time. Just like in Nature.
And the really good news is that zeta-writers can advance without ever having to wrestle with the dominant alpha-writers or engage in hand to hand combat.
On a slightly related subject — is this THE BARNYARD? According to me (I’m in New England) and my wife (who grew up on a dairy farm) those are both females (which they do hump each other once in a while — “a good indication that you need to breed them” she says. Not together, of course). So, are you making a deeper point with that picture? Is that a studio selling to another studio?
Blair:
No deeper point. I just found it really amusing. I love lesbian cows!
This whole scenario is like an episode of “Made” on MTV, with Craig playing the ladies man hustler (riding around in a Ferrari) telling dweebs like me how to roll like a player. I certainly need all the help I can get and appreciate your perspective, but on my first ever date, we’ll be doing what the lady wants (and I’ll likely get “screwed” and not screwed - but I’m sure it’s better than my current D&D game in the basement).
I kept thinking you should have a picture of a bull on a bull for an accurate representation… I’m glad you know they’re both cows.
But seriously, this post may be the best explanation so far for the paucity of popular, prolific female screenwriters - perhaps we females have a hard time being meta-male.
I knew being a tom-boy would come in handy some day.
Okay Craig. Everyone needs a hobby. ;)
“Lesbian Bovine, settle down and rest with me, milk with me lesbian boviiiiiine…”
Very good analogy. One could probably define the different mating strategies of studios as well as Robert Trivers did for people. Different studios court in different ways, and are attracted to different elements. But yes, the bottom line is to generate a ‘successful’ picture. I pitched last week to four different studios. Fascinating to see the responses of each, how studios court, tease, play hard to get or desperate, dump you or hopefully spread their contractual legs. It does have to do with passion. You’ve got to get the execs hot and bothered.
… couldn’t we all just bang maws instead?
Interesting analogy, but in the wild, if a lioness doesn’t give it up, the lion just takes it (same with monkeys, macaws, cheetahs, bulls and cows) - the screenwriter doesn’t have the option of just taking what they want like the lion does … oh, if only we could!
What does all this have to do w/ Joe Francis getting teeneagers drunk and taking advanatage of them?
Oh, wait. Wrong blog.
Of course, if you’re trying to get laid you should go out looking your very best…
http://twoadverbs.blogspot.com/
“I love lesbian cows!” Craig Mazin - 2006.
Just for the historians…
all I can ever say is dont quit your day job
I’ll endorse the analogy when I hear a production executive say, “That’s my script’s Daddy!”
Oops! meant to say “My movie’s, Daddy!”
Because we’re all about writing the movie.
I just spent the past weekend at a 3-day conference where I had pitch meetings set up with nine different studio execs, including a VP of Production or two.
Although I’m a total rookie and this was my first effort’ing in these realms, I have to agree with Craig and say I sorta felt like the “male” in the ritual. (no disrespect to the ladies, maybe the term should be the “dominant” instead of gender biased.)
Once I got over my initial “walflower at prom” shellshock, I very much could see that all these execs were sincerely wishing they could find that next handsome idea/script/movie that they could take home, get the funk on with, and gestate into the next hot thing.
I chronicled much of the adventure on my blog, but overall I give a wholehearted “AMEN” to what Craig is saying. We got the goods, they got the connections/funds. We both want to make each other and ourselves rich. We don’t have to feel like we’re getting the shaft.
But I do suppose we have to work hard to make sure we can deliver the goods better than most in the herd!
Though I’ve been reading the fantastic and very often inspiring prose of the artful screenwriter for quite awhile, I have yet to comment on any article until now. Genius, pure genius. Thank you for not only an amusing analogy of this business but for the style and wit with which is was delivered too. This was something to rival the stories, analogies and observations of the great stand-up comics who would (and few still do) deliver home truths and valuable wisdom learnt through personal experience the universal truths that make us the same despite our differences. Without humour we very often find it hard to look at our behaviour, own up to it and in doing so, ponder on it enough to perhaps make a concerted effort to change it and evolve ourselves by our own actions (be more confident, look at the angles and change our game play in order that we may progress, follow our dreams and be where we want to be). Though this was concerning our roles as screenwriters and the style of its presentation made me lough loud enough to wake my neighbours (late here), it reminded me of why I read this site and appreciate not only what is written but the intent, humanity and compassion that drives its creators to keep doing it time and again. So my thanks for the words and appreciation for the dream that drives the production of every pearl published herein.
M.L.
Thanks for your kind words and readership. They’re very appreciated.
Writergurl:
I’m countin’ on you!
I see I now have a rival in the sucking up to Craig realm. :-)
I don’t see Writergurl’s comments….?
Whoops. That was my fault. I think I edited her comment instead of replied to it.
Here’s what Writergurl wrote (sorry, WG):
Whoa.
Now I see why you’re counting on her…
Superb!!
Interesting post, but damn.
Does this mean in order to break into the game I have to hang out with my merken proudly displayed under the disco lights as I reek of Polo cologne and pop breath mints as I move in to seduce some low-level development weasel for a second tier boutique studio?
Not complaining— I just want to know which pants I need to wear. . . . roxbury B
Brilliant post. Your best yet. I feel empowered.
Oh, the pressure…
;)
Unfortunately for me, Craig, your comments make a lot of sense. I think you’re dead on.
Why unfortunately? Well, if every day of my life since junior high are any indication, I’m not really prepared to act the lothario. Is there any chance Hollywood is just looking for a nice, sensitive guy with a good sense of humor?
Is there any chance Hollywood is just looking for a nice, sensitive guy with a good sense of humor?
Sure. To take care of her cats while she’s at Hedonism getting her tonsils flogged by well-endowed Jamaicans.
Wow, they really do things different in Hollywood… flogging tonsils!
WaHOO!
Not an actual “writer” here. Just a male (think B-movie director). This is not my quote, but I dunno whose it is. But it makes sense with the article above.
Natural selection is retarded as well. The people most likely to get ahead are the people who A) refuse to wear condoms, B) have lots and lots of sex and C) aren’t too bright about the whole thing.
So, yeah, makes sense. Ha! Now, August, go and produce some low-budget stuff man. And email me when you do. We LOVE you!
sounds like it was probably pat robertson …
Good fun. Only, I guess there’s little room for “there’s someone for everyone” in the equation. In a way, you have to find the right studio/agent, but with so few “females” per, the odds are still stacked against you.
Still, if I, the writer, have a long period of time where I can be fertile, I guess its nice to know that the studios’ biological clocks are always ticking.
So, what I zeroed in on is reading some screenwriters make a fine living doing just that..selling screenplays…whatever comes or doesn’t come after it.
I’m a writer, but new to screenwriting. For me it’s still about writing a decent script…more than a decent script. It’s encouraging to know they can at least get sold. I wouldn’t touch a novel these days. I’m glad I found you.
This was a fine post, but please can we have another? Every time I click on your site I’m greeted by humping lesbian cows. My eyes can take only so much.
When I see those two cows I think of Star Jones and Rosie O’Donnell discussing what it’s like to be married to a gay person.
Amazing analogy. Would you mind if I translated your text to spanish and posted it on my blog (http://rlux.blogspot.com)? With all credits, needless to say…
Pol:
Be my guest.
fuck the fucking cows…pirates crossed 400! sweet.
Ok, thanks a lot Craig.
Great article and great site overall. I’m glad I found this while searching the internet for good pitching tips.
233333333333 zzzz
that was so creepy man
that was creepy as hell man
While detrimental to the majority, it is best for what it is designed to do. To buy great scripts for movies. Just because they often get hacked afterwards is besides the point. Of course if you can write something mediocre, but has an outstanding plot/story, they may buy it also, but then the rewrites are aimed at maximizing that product. As has been pointed out, Hollywood is the ultimate in capitalistic reality. If your product is good enough to sell, then you’re going to make alot of money.
“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” — William James
thats awsome