So Annoying
So this kid named Ryan sends a message to me through my never-used MySpace page (I took one out to park my name…please don’t send emails to me there, or ask me to be your friend or whatever MySpacy type of stuff you enjoy) telling me he enjoys my films, and asking for some advice about film school.
I tell him about this site, give him the best advice I can, and that’s that, I figure.
But no. See, this kid is also in touch with James Gunn (who wrote The Specials), and James tells him I’m married with kids, but my MySpace page says I’m single with no kids…so this guy now wants to know if I’m the REAL Craig Mazin, and could I tell him some fact about James Gunn that he could verify with James Gunn in order to prove that I’m really me and not some nefarious Craig Mazin impersonator.
At this point, I should I have just walked away, because I’m thinking there’s now a 60% chance that this kid is James Gunn or Jamie Kennedy or some other person who knows me, and they’re just screwing with me.
Still, he’s purportedly in college, I’m trying to be a nice guy, so I email him a fact about James that I think isn’t public.
Then I email him again to point out that pretending to be Craig Mazin has to be the stupidest charade possible. I know this, because I am Craig Mazin, and there don’t appear to be any perks or fringes to this gig, like models or concert tickets or blow. Why would anyone even bother?
He emails me back with the following.
I’m waiting for James to get back to me about the Astroburger thing, but wasn’t that on the DVD?? Even I knew about that. Why would Craig Mazin get two things wrong on his profile? If this IS the real Craig Mazin, then you’ve got to put SOMETHING on your page proving it’s the real you. Everyone I know to be legit (James, his wife Jenna, Nathan Fillion from Slither) has something proving it’s them. Take a picture of yourself in front of your MySpace page on your computer. Or something. For every real celebrity on the internet, there are 1,000 people pretending to be them. You know that. Why do they do it? Your guess is as good as mine. Honestly, take a picture of yourself in front of your page.
Take a PICTURE in front of my MySpace page proving that it’s ME? Hey, why don’t I just drop everything else I’m doing and DRIVE TO YOUR HOUSE?
Then I could have lunch with you! You could see my driver’s license, and then touch me on the arm. If that’s not good enough, I could leave some hair behind for DNA testing…
Yes, the “single” and “no kids” thing is suspicious, because no one would EVER create a MySpace page and then NOT FILL IT IN ACCURATELY, right?
Maybe when I built that page, I didn’t want people to know I had kids. Maybe I didn’t want them to know I had a wife.
Maybe…
…wait, this is starting to make me look bad.
Honestly, I don’t know why it was filled out wrong.
I fixed it now, because I’m pretty much your employee now, Ryan. My job? Proving that I really am the oft-imitated but never-equaled Craig Mazin!
Like I said, I want to believe this is just a put-on, but this guy’s MySpace page is pretty detailed. I know, I know, maybe I’m as gullible as he is suspicious, but he seems real enough to me.
So, Ryan, if you’re reading this…
…this is not the way to go about winning friends and getting ahead in life.
For the rest of you, I know, I know…things have been sluggish around here. Stupid work getting in the way. I’ve got a ton of Q&A’s built up that I’m going to answer in one big burst, and then after that, an article that a number of you have requested: a primer to explain what the hell the issues are facing the WGA in the upcoming negotiations, whether or not I think we are going to have a strike, and what this all means in simple, easy-to-understand non-wonky language.
But first, I have to send a stool sample to Ryan.
I’ve met Craig Mazin before and now I’m not sure if this is really you. Please post a picture of your hot wife to prove it.
I never stopped to really ponder your potential non-reality before, so I owe this “Ryan” (if that’s even his real name…) a thank you.
Of course, you might just as easily respond to Ryan by positing “only someone totally lacking clout and money and wall-to-wall hote babe action the real Craig Mazin enjoys would have an ego sufficiently needy enough to give a rat’s backside what any shuffling internet nobody believes, so please accept this seething indifference as proof of my bona fides.”
I bet Ryan would come right back: “Woowww… you really ARE the real Craig Mazin! Will you read this script for me?”
I know Haas remains happy that he never suffers odd email from internet strangers. . . . B (or at least so I claim)
Better “Ryan” than Chris Hansen.
Just to be clear in case anyone was thinking it, the Ryan in the story is not me.
I already have a Craig Mazin stool sample. I got it on eBay.
Heh. I love the internet. Many years ago, there was a discussion going on on AOL’s screenwriters forum about a particular famous filmmaker. I mentioned in a post that I’d known said filmmaker for several years. The next day, I got an e mail from some slavish fan demanding I tell him what said filmmaker’s favorite breakfast cereal was, because if I knew him, surely I’d know that. I ignored the e mail, and the knob spent weeks pursuing me around the forum, posting insane crap in huge caps about what a liar I was.
This was some idiotic fanboy who’d stumbled across a forum full of professionals, most of whom live in LA. To some idiot living in Goat Felch, Kentucky who reads fan magazines to find out what his favorite stars eat for breakfast, it’s inconceivable that anyone could possibly know his idol, even someone who lives in Los Angeles and works in the film industry (And face it - even that claim is dubious, as people who live in LA and work in film are far, far, far too significant and fabulous to have time to post on the internet.)
On another forum I check into from time to time, someone recently asked the host to define a certain word. Rather than pick up a dictionary, or - Christ! - just type the word into Google, or dictionary.com, this imbecile comes to a forum and ASKS SOMEONE TO DEFINE A WORD FOR HIM.
There’s just some things you can’t do. You answer questions like that, or like Ryan’s idiotic request, and the terrorists win. It’s that simple.
Josh:
At least you live in Los Angeles. I live in NY, Long Island actually, and when someone asks me what I do for a living and I tell them that I’m a Director they look at me like I just told them that I’m an Astronaut.
Right now I’m in Orlando, Florida, directing a television show with Jeremy London. I’ve never worked out here and I didn’t know what to expect but this place is kinda like a mini LA, complete with palm trees—but no hot chicks.
I hate MySpace. I don’t use it. I never will. My producer put a page up for a film that I directed but I’m never on it. I guess I can understand the skepticism but why do people go nuts because someone who’s starred in a couple of movies is actually using the internet?
I was always under the assumption that “Josh Olson” and “Craig Mazin” were the same fake person.
Josh: “There’s just some things you can’t do. You answer questions like that, or like Ryan’s idiotic request, and the terrorists win. It’s that simple.”
Who wins if you don’t answer questions like that, dnd what kind of prizes do the terrorists get if you do? This could be very significant in my career choice Mr. Olson, please fill me in.
Craig : I’ll believe it’s really you only if you send to me your Mother Theresa bobble head.
It’s these kinds of scenarios that make my life so difficult. I’m an industry publicist and talent manager, and one of my “duties” is to protect my clients’ intellectual property, professional reputation and personal identity. There are SO MANY numb-nuts out there pretending to be my clients, posting fake blogs, answering their fan mail etc. on MySpace, Live Journal etc., it seems like I spend 10 hours a day tracking them and contacting website admin about the situation. Then there’s the time I spend online at the legitimate official MySpace/Live Journal sites trying to convince new visitors that, yes, this really is the official website of so-and-so. Sometimes I just want to slash my wrists at frustration and futility of it all.
That’s odd because I was talking to my gramma this morning and she was telling me about this guy on Myspace she’s been fuckin with under her “Ryan” personna.
Dear Ryan Paige:
If it makes you feel any better, your name did cross my mind for a nanosecond. But I knew it wasn’t you.
Why?
Because you don’t come off as crazy.
What is wrong with these people? I understand the hunger, but to express it by giving complete strangers the third-degree by email makes no sense.
in the future, the fans will become the celebrities wait a minute…the future is here!
Okay, latest update.
He still doesn’t believe me.
I shit you not.
This has to be a joke. I’m hoping and praying.
For the love of God, Craig, why the hell do you even care? Even for a second?
(And dude, you offered to drive to his house and let him touch you?)
I look forward to seeing how this all unfolds on “To Catch a Predator”.
ps - Just to clarify, I think Craig is the prey. Not the predator. Craig, has this guy offered to buy you beer yet?
Cheryl:
I wish I could be cool enough to say “I don’t really care…”
…but I guess I do.
For those of you who read the whole story of how I got my start, you might recall that when I set out to make it in this business, I didn’t know anyone and I had nothing working in my favor at all. I had to win a freakin’ competition before anyone would even speak to me.
So I guess I really do care, in a bad way, when people who are trying to break into this business express any sentiment remotely similar to entitlement.
And I post about this here as a sort of warning to everyone else trying to break into the business.
Okay, that I get — the entitlement resentment.
And I understand that he thinks he’s entitled to have you prove to him who you are.
Trust me — it’ll bother him a lot more if you don’t.
We’ve had to deal with entitlement freaks of several sorts. One is the Entitled Celebrity Stalker — the kind of person who adamantly believes they have a right to do whatever they want to get close to the star they’ve become obsessed with.
And the Entitled Specialist — we have people who call us up, and even show up unannounced at the lot, to tell us that they are screenwriting mathematicians, and as such, they have a right to a staff writing job on any show about a mathematician.
One woman kept calling the show’s research department, claiming that if we didn’t use her as a researcher, then we were being hostile toward female mathematicians. Even though we had other female mathematicians serving as consultants.
That’s not the real Cheryl Heuton.
If it is, we want to know if Krumholtz still insists on being called, “Mr. Universe”.
I think I smell a new reality show - Stool Samples of the Stars
Dude, seriously. The fact that you’ve written about it is kinda amusing. It’s at least a universal sort of experience we can all get a chuckle out of, and it’s sparked a fun back and forth. But the fact that you’re still fixated on it… Jesus. Get over it. Some anonymous idiot doesn’t believe you’re the real, the one, the only, the world famous Hoo Ha? Who gives a fuck? Is this insecurity? He’s a moron. Forget about it.
The only rational response to such things is, “Blow me.” Guess what? He’ll go away feeling chuffed that he was right, you’re a phony, and he caught you out. But YOU’LL know he’s a fucking motard, and everyone HERE knows he’s a fucking motard, and we all got a laugh out of it. He will never know he’s a fucking motard. The best you can do is derive amusement from his idiocy and enjoy the fact that you could provide a few laughs for some friends and associates by sharing it with them, and he’ll never, ever, ever understand.
Heh. How do you think I deal with YOU?
Yeah, but how do I know this is the same guy from WA?
L
Gee - this dovetails perfectly with the delusions of grandeur entry.
This kid has used the internet to get your attention. Now you’re blogging about him and going out of your way to prove yourself to him.
Odd.
I am Craig Mazin!!!
-Spartacus
Reading this blog, it suddenly made me wonder: Do famous people have a different relationship with the internet than the rest of us do? I agree with one of the posters above, that the experience of having a creepy stranger on Myspace hassle you is pretty universal (at least if you’re female and have decent pictures,) but there are probably certain web-browsing experiences that us “little people” don’t have to worry about— for example, when I Google myself, I never find psycho-stalker fan pages, or nasty reviews of my work, or my face photoshopped onto some porn-star’s naked body. So my question is, how do you (Craig and other famous folks on here) deal with it when you see that kind of stuff on-line? Would you say you mostly just shrug and ignore it (making the current Ryan situation an exception to the rule), or do the things people say to/about you on-line actually really seriously affect you?
It occured to me that just posting his name here would seem to be proof enough, but then I realized that you — and everyone else here, including me — could just be the same bored 5th grader creating a whole imaginary world of fake screenwriters, directors and blog readers.
Oh no, I just outed us.
Liz:
I’m not famous. I wouldn’t know. Frankly, I would be horrified by all of the publicity if I were. On the other hand, that’s probably one reason I’m not famous.
Craig,
” that’s probably one reason I’m not famous.”
Another might be because you’re a screenwriter.
Liz, you can name the famous screenwriters of the world on the fingers of one hand. Buck Henry was probably the last semi- famous screenwriter - he hosted SNL something like six times back in the seventies and early eighties. Ted’s probably the most successful screenwriter who frequents this forum, and I promise you, some kid who lost on the first season of American Idol after 30 seconds is more famous than he is. Nobody gives a shit who writes ‘em.
“Reasonably well known within your chosen field” would be a more accurate nomenclature.
As to the rest… it goes with the turf. Christ, if you can’t handle criticism, you really shouldn’t be in the arts. I’ve seen some pretty heinous shit written about my work by complete strangers online. You ignore it, or, if it’s particularly vigorous, you e mail it to your friends, because sometimes it’s pretty hilarious.
There is an imbecilic transvestite magician and his wife who’ve been fairly obsessed with me for quite a few years now - a pair of charmers I came across on AOL back in the nineties. There are precious few web pages devoted to fan criticism of films in which one of his hilariously inept critiques of my work doesn’t pop up, sometimes under his own byline, sometimes under a host of pseudonyms. Invariably, the phrase “But the fault really lies firmly at the feet of Olson’s incompetent writing” will appear.
In terms of actual famous people online, my favorite story involves a friend. This happened ten years ago, and the famous party has passed, so I can tell it. She struck up a friendship with some guy in a chat room, and they talked for months and months. Very upfront, nothing weird or sexual. Then one day, he e mails her, tells her he’ll be in town, would she like to meet? She says sure, and sends him a picture so he’ll know her. He doesn’t send one back, tells her not to worry - she’ll know him.
She goes to the restaurant, walks in the front door, sees Marlon Brando sitting at a table, and he waves her over. They remained good friends until the end.
I’ve known a few pretty well known folks who spend a LOT of time on the internet under assumed names. The appeal is that you can hang out in virtual public and nobody hassles you. I can imagine the appeal would be pretty great, especially if you’re as famous as Brando was.
See, this is why I only use MySpace to keep in contact with people I also know in three-dimensional form. I’m crap at emailing people regularly, but with myspace displaying a beg red “You have a message, now answer it fool” sign, I’m getting better.
I’ve also used it to send a couple of complimentary messages to singers I like. They answered back nicely, and there I leave it, happy and content.
The problem Craig currently has is one that really fucks me off though. One thing I’ve always determined is that even if I did discover a way to communicate with people in the industry (such as some of you fine people on this board) I’d never pester them for a leg-up, a recommendation or a, heaven forbid, “please can you read my spec?”. It’s rude, presumptious, and most of all I know I’d really hate it if I was asked to do that by some stranger, so I don’t do it. Simple as. And the obsessive behaviour of this “Ryan” is just bizarre, and irritating to boot. And I’m only reading about it, so heaven knows how pissed off Craig must be.
Nice Brando story, Josh.
So I think we’ve all come to the same conclusion: As feared, the entire Artful Writer site is nothing more than an elaborate put-on by a Craig Mazin impersonator!
I feel so …used!
One of the perks of being a nobody like me is that you never have to prove anybody that you are indeed a nobody.
As soon as you become a somebody… all the other nobodies start believing you have crossed to another plain of existance. It’s a bit like being dead, with the exception that people have no respect for you.
When I was writing online DVD reviews, I was taken to task for my comments on a particular disc’s picture quality because I didn’t personally consult with the director regarding whether it reflected his true intent for the look of the film.
I mean, I would have, but I somehow misplaced Ron Howard’s mobile phone number before I wrote that review.
Am I the real me? Is this the real world? Is today a real day?
If its ‘myspace’ you can do what you want with it!
How did she know it was the real Brando? Did he order the right thing for breakfast? Did he submit to DNA testing?
Okay, final update.
He really is real.
And he really is really sorry.
So, Ryan, all is forgiven. Hope you learned a good lesson.
PS: Hey, whaddya know, maybe that’s why I cared. I wanted him to learn something.
I for one feel touched…spiritually touched.
Sounds like Ryan finally found his little bottle of chill pills.
Does this mean you will or won’t be posting pictures of your hot wife?
Please advise.
And if so, will they include certificates of authenticity?
Not famous, Craig? Then why did I read that cover story about you stealing Brad away from Angelina? You’re so modest.
Single with no kids on the MySpace profile, hmmm? Sounds like SOMEONE has been trolling for 20-year old emo chicks.
Craig,
How do we know that this “Ryan” is a real person? Can you please tell us his favorite cereal, and send us a picture of him in front of his MySpace page?
craig, this really, really made me laugh. i’m in a public computer lab right now and water came out of my nose.
…oh, and i’m totally adding you as a myspace friend. and i’m putting you in my top 8.
Craig,
Don’t worry about these psycho lunatics. I get them all the time. I was at the premiere of a movie and this perfect stranger lambasted me for not helping him get an autograph.
When I finally asked him why he so resolutely wanted the actor’s signature, he told me he collects autographs from this actor from various places. That’s his full time job.
If you let these weirdos get to you, it will disturb your writing and you’re too good a guy for that.
Your fan,
Director
Hilarious. Funny stories about what fans ask are great. My friend is a musician & a fan asked him to give him an electric guitar because, the fan assumed, he was rich.
I saw a reply comment on here by Anonymous. But, between you & me, I’m thinking that’s not the real Anonymous. I think I ran into Anonymous once (I’m not sure because he was staying well below the radar though he likes to write poems and wise quotes). He didn’t use slang or have typos but rather had very excellent & fairly formal grammar & syntax.