Q&A...or...I Don't Have Any Ideas This Week
Yeah, fine, it’s my dirty little secret. Sometimes I don’t have anything worth saying to you people. And yet, I know you’re out there. Running a blog is a little like being on the roof of the mall in Dawn of the Dead. I can forget about the crowd outside for a little bit, but when I look down…
…you’re all still there.
Hungry for brains.
Well, if that analogy hasn’t turned you off forever, allow me to stopgap things for a bit with some Q&A. Oh, and no, that guy in the picture isn’t me. He’s better-looking than I am, even passed out and rubbery as he is.
Q: Why don’t you use “funny names” in your spoof movies?”
A: Because they’re not really funny.
Well, there’s funny names and funny names.
Fielding Mellish is a funny sounding name, but it’s not a funny name.
“White Bitch” or “Captain Jack Swallows” from Epic Movie are “funny” names, i.e. they pull a Mad Magazine on the name of the character you’re spoofing.
There are two reasons we don’t do this when we make spoofs. The first is that it’s so easy, anyone can do it, so why would anyone actually laugh?
This brings to mind a great joke from The Simpsons. We see the writing room of Mad Magazine. All the writers are quiet. Then one says, “How about…Everybody HATES Raymond?” The other writers laugh, and the editor says, “Well, it took all night, but it was worth it!”
The second reason we don’t use funny names is that they’re not funny after the first mention. Nothing is. Repeated jokes try the audience’s patience, unless it’s a running gag that builds.
This brings to mind a not so great joke from The Simpsons. This week’s episode was about Little League. Nelson is the pitcher, but instead of throwing the ball, he tosses it up in the air and punches it toward the batter. Cute joke…the first time.
The third time? Yikes.
It’s the same with funny names. Even if you get someone to laugh at “White Bitch” once, they’re not going to laugh at it the twelfth time.
We call this rule “Can you live with it?”
There is one and only one “funny name” in the ZAZ pantheon (and I include SM3 and SM4 in that). First person to name it gets a nod of recognition.
Q: How does one go about writing a remake? Can anyone pick up an old movie and retool it for a modern audience? Or do you have to be connected with the studio who owns the rights?
A: Carefully, no, no.
First, the easy part. Copyright includes control of so-called “derivative works”, which include screenplay adaptations. As such, if you’re serious about writing a script that will get produced, you do need to either purchase or option or receive a license for the adaptation rights from the copyright holder. For those of us who write professionally, this almost always means being hired by a studio that controls the underlying rights, although there are many inspirational examples of screenwriters taking the bull by the horns and going straight to the author on their own.
Some books have fallen into the public domain, so you’re free to adapt them as you wish.
The actual creative process of adaptation is its own unique form of screenwriting, and I’m simply not equipped to describe it fully. Having done two adaptations, I can tell you that it is essential to somehow carry with you a deep love and respect and total understanding of the material…as well as a simultaneous fearlessness to adapt and change it.
To me, the best adaptations aren’t the slavish ones, but the ones that alchemically transfer the heart and soul of the original material into a brand new work of art.
Read the novel “Out of Sight” and then watch the movie of Scott Frank’s screenplay. It’s a master class in how to adapt with soul.
Walsh/Boyens/Jackson’s adaptation of The Lord Of The Rings is another wonderful example of how to choose, omit and change and yet enhance the heart of the work, rather than diminish it.
Remember….love and fearlessness.
Q: I recently signed up for a screenwriting class. On our first day of class, myself and the other students eagerly asked our new teacher how many screenplays he had gotten optioned. His answer was long-winded and round-about, but basically amounted to: zero. So we asked him who his agent was, and he said he wasn’t represented, but didn’t need to be, because he was on a “first-name basis” with so-and-so big-name celebrities, who had agreed to “read anything I send them”. At that point, I started becoming concerned that perhaps I was not getting a quality education for my money.
Is this a legit thing? Is being able to say “I know four big wigs in Hollywood on a first-name basis” as good as being able to say, “I have optioned four screenplays” in the screenwriting world? Are all screenwriting teachers probably going to be people who have not actually sold screenplays (because presumably the people who are selling all the screenplays don’t need to teach to support themselves)? If you were me, would you drop the class and get your money back?
A: No, yes, don’t know.
I have a very dim view of the entire screenwriting “cottage industry” out there.
I think I’ll coin a word.
Paraliterary
These people are all paraliterary. They exist on the fringe, selling “secrets” and teaching lessons and dealing in confidence, but of course they’d be gone in a moment if they could sell a script or work as a screenwriter.
Mostly.
I do believe that some people are really good at teaching and guiding. We see this in sports all the time. Casey Stengel was a pretty mediocre baseball player, but a great manager. Teaching is its own art, so if you’re learning things that make you a better writer, than the class is worth it.
I am extremely suspicious, however, of anyone who starts featherbedding their resume by talking about how “connected” they are. This is a bad sign.
My only advice here is this: if you think the class is helping your writing, stick with it. If you think it’s a waste of time, dump it.
Just remember, folks, professional screenwriting really is a lot like professional sports. Most of you will never be able to hit a 95 MPH two-seamer no matter how much training you get…and the sad statistics are than most of you will not be able to maintain a career as a screenwriter either. It’s hard. Take help where you can find it, but keep a watchful eye out for the paraliterary.
They want your money.
Q: I’m writing from Canada (go hockey!), and I have queried four agencies up here that rep TV writers. They all said “We are simply not expanding our roster. Do not send us anything.” So… now what? Is that a January thing? Is that a test to see how determined I am? What would be a reasonable length of time to re-contact them? Any advice on approaching production companies (in Canada) this spring without an agent? Am I kidding myself?
A: No, no, don’t bother, some, no.
I’m enjoying this multipart question trend.
Many agencies will not take on clients who don’t already have agents. They’re either full, or they don’t want to break in new writers, or they’re over-committed already, and can barely keep up with the clients they have…and are perhaps considering dropping a few, much less taking on additional ones.
You have to try and find a way in beyond the cold-call of a query letter. You need a friend, a lawyer, a manager, a someone. Once you get that, you need material that will impress.
Remember, if writing is your Plan A and what you’re doing while you’re waiting is your Plan B, make your Plan B your Plan A and your Plan A your Plan B. Find a job somewhere in the business and do it really well. This is the best way to get yourself into a position where you can be read by people who can help matchmake you with an agent.
Q: Is R. Kosberg’s Moviepitch a ripoff or is it worth while to send him ideas?
A: If you’re using this, you’re not a writer.
I’ve spoken with Robert a few times. He’s a very nice guy, he really is known by everyone in town, and he really does sell things every now and again. He’s a legitimate producer, and he certainly has made a living pitching ideas.
What he’s not is a writer. He’s a producer. That’s what some producers (not the full kind, but some) do: they come up with ideas for movies or they find ideas for movies, and they set them up. Writers like me then come along and write the script.
Guess who gets paid more on that project?
(hint…I do)
The reason Robert is a success is that he deals in volume, and more power to him! If he sets up twelve projects a year and just two get made, he’s probably into the seven figures.
So…should you be using him as a broker? Yes…if you can’t write the script of your idea. In that case, you’re a producer looking for another producer to help you. If you’re a writer, then write the damned script! A great script will be found. A great script will make you a lot of money. A great script will launch your career.
Setting up ideas is silly if you’re a writer…unless you’re doing it yourself in order to write the script (i.e. a pitch). In this case, it sounds like Robert’s getting you option money for your idea, but you’re not going to write the script, because who the hell wants to bother with you?
If you were a writer…you would have already written it, right?
Hmmm…I have a few more questions stored up, but I’m not gonna answer them right away. Gotta have something saved up for another lazy day.
Next up, I’m going to take on “clams.” If you read Jane Espenson’s blog, you know what I’m talking about….
It’s Mr. Papshmir, isn’t it?
::nod of recognition::
There are writing teachers who are legitimate writers. Obviously not busy ones, but legit. Maybe they just like teaching. Maybe they like the steady paycheck. Maybe they need an office and they don’t want to pay for one. Maybe they do it to give back, or for the sake of sanity. A writing career can be stressful, eh? Teaching screenwriters is not.
At UCLA I had some great writing teachers, including Sterling Silliphant (“In the Heat of the Night”). Okay, he was a visiting lecturer, not full time. But I assume he just liked teaching. Lew Hunter has many TV movies to his name. Emmies, too.
I think the name dropping (or the not-really-even-name-dropping) is indicative of not being for real.
But most teachers are not going to be pro writers. Nor do they necessarily need to be, in order to be able to teach. A great acting coach (e.g. Joanne Baron) can be a dreadful actor. A great writer might be a lousy teacher, even if he had the time to teach. On the other hand I’d stay away from teachers who’ve never had ANY professional connection with showbiz (producer, agent, development exec), because if they don’t, what do they know? Theory?
Stirling Silliphant is not quite the same As Mr. Papshmir, a bust-your-gut name Still Silliphant is amusing And phonically confusing This lisp puts a strain on my brain
Yay! I got a nod of recognition from a famous screenwriter! Does that mean I am connected now?
Next on our programme: not one, but two questions:
1) What do you think about the use of “funny names” in Monty Python’s movies, especially the Biggus Dickus scene in Life of Brian? Do you think that particular scene works because the joke isn’t on the name itself, but rather on how people generally respond to such “funny” names?
2) Regarding adaptations… have you ever picked up a book or some other work of literature, and written a treatment and/or a script based on it, without holding the rights, or actually having some immediate wish to make a movie from it? I did that several times in my early days (Well, I’m still in my early days. Earlier days, then). Having a plot in advance helped me focus on the technicalities of writing itself, which greatly improved during that time. I still occasionally pick up a short story or a novel and try to write a screenplay from it. It falls somewhere between a writing excercise and procastrination. So, has anybody else been doing this, or am I just crazy?
Back to you, Craig.
Correct. It’s a scene about a name, which is legal. What’s not legal is if, say, they named the main character “Jesus H. Christ” and then had people constantly call him that over and over. The Biggus Dickus joke would have gotten really old if that character were throughout the movie.
If you’re writing to improve your skills, then go nuts. Anything you do that makes you better is worth your while, and thus quite sane.
Don’t Latrine, Deja Vu, and Chocolate Mousse from Top Secret! all count as funny names?
I liked some of the funny names in Dr. Strangelove.
Sure, they were over the top, but hey, why not.
I guess part of what you’re saying here is that if you do use the “funny names” bit, once is enough.
While it is true that most screenwriting teachers are not going to be legitimate professional writers, I would also consider that the best reason to take a writing class is *not* to have a teacher instruct you on how to write.
I take any screenwriting class this school offers because of the workshop aspect. Next semester, I’ll be taking essentially the same class I was in last semester, and with the same professor, to boot. I don’t particularly plan on learning anything from the lectures. What the class does, though, is get me in a room with 30 other student writers who read my script and give me feedback. During each class period we workshop two or three short scripts and just casually knock around ideas. That process alone is worth the price of admission, regardless of the professional credentials of the professor.
There is another benefit that might not be as valuable to other writers as it was to me, but taking a class forced me to write short scripts. If I wasn’t forced to do so, I would never write shorts. On a college campus, a short is a much more valuable commodity than a feature.
Thanks for another informative article, Craig. I’m looking forward to your “clams” post. Jane Espenson is proof positive that you CAN analyze comedy.
Q&As are lame unless they involve a man in custom made sneakers and an angry little jew. What ever happened to the essay on screenwriting analogies?
Pap Smear.
Michael:
They were funny names for a one-shot joke, but they weren’t used repeatedly. Still, I’ll give you credit, because they were used more than once.
So we’re up to 4 funny names. :)
Actually, the commercial failure of Top Secret! (and according to David, some level of creative failure as well) is what led to the codification of “the rules.”
Yay, credit for me. But I didn’t mention the non-speaking characters.
DU QUOIS This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu. DEJA VU Haven't we met before? NICK RIVERS I don't think so. DU QUOIS Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.(sigh Top Secret is probably my favorite of the lot. If only I’d been of movie going age when it came out. And cloned many thousands of times, of course. :) )
Damn you, S.A, you beat me to Papshmir! Curse the time difference which means I’ve only just gotten up! (Actually, it’s 10.45 - I’m actually being very lazy today)
I watched Top Secret! for the first time in years a few weeks ago (my little sister has become obsessed with Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and consequently with Val Kilmer, so I dug out my DVD) I think it stands up well for what it is - there’s some killer timing in there (The East Germans staring at the record player at the beginning, complete with monacle removal by Jeremy Kemp is perfect) and the incidental silliness - Chocolate Mousse’s “My man!” high five after the gunfight - works for me.
Also, S.A., I’ve got a couple of adaptations I’m working on that I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) be able to make for years to come, so you’re not alone.
“Focker.” Because it’s a set up waiting for a payoff that never comes.
Been having some fun using the Mac’s Summarize function on Craig’s posts - I thought this last post was especially…er…uplifting.
Big post above summarizes to:
Most of you will never be able to hit a 95 MPH two-seamer no matter how much training you get�and the sad statistics are than most of you will not be able to maintain a career as a screenwriter either.
…They�re either full, or they don�t want to break in new writers, or they�re over-committed already, and can barely keep up with the clients they have�and are perhaps considering dropping a few, much less taking on additional ones.
…In this case, it sounds like Robert�s getting you option money for your idea, but you�re not going to write the script, because who the hell wants to bother with you?
I really liked Top Secret… though I was a kid when I saw it and I’m not sure I’d like it as much now. The music holds up for sure though:
If everybody had a 12-gauge And a surboard too They’d all be shootin’ and surfin’ From here to Malibu ‘cause it’s totally bitchin’ Ridin’ waves to blast clay pigeons And it’s so neat shootin’ skeet and something something something something…
That’s from memory! No Wikipedia needed!
“Let me know if there’s any change in his condition.”
…
“He’s dead.”
I crack a smile to this day when I think about that corny joke. That movie is filled with corny, cheesy jokes. Most of them brilliant.
‘Airplane’ has an entire scene about name-jokes, though, doesn’t it?
We have clearance, Clarence. What’s our vector, Victor?
Roger. What? Huh? Over [Oveur]. What?
Name jokes aren’t the same as joke names.
Don’t forget my name!
I got nothing.
Nothing, man.
In case you feel you are still short of material this week:
http://www.laweekly.com/general/features/double-cross-at-the-wga/16249/?page=2
Nick - it’s a fine line, when the name is only selected to make a joke out of it.
I always liked Dead Meat from Hot Shots(at least I think it was Hot Shots). Worked because you knew he was a goner.
The one name that gives me a chuckle every time it comes up, and I think always will, is Marge Bouvier.
I agree with Craig’s perspective that funny names are generally only funny the first time, but I have another MAJOR exception:
So-crates Johnson Bob Genghis Khan Herman the Kid Dave Beeth-oven Dennis Frood
I’m laughing just writing about them…!
Guess I failed the formatting class.
How about I repeat the names, and we see if they’re funny a second time?
So-crates Johnson
Bob Genghis Khan
Herman the Kid
Dave Beeth-oven
Dennis Frood
…
I say “hell, yes” to the first two, AT LEAST.
I have submitted lots of ideas on Robert Kosberg’s moviepitch.com, but didn’t get any feedback at all. And yes I agree, I am not a real writer. But I keep wondering whether there is actually any movie made out of an idea submitted by someone like me. On the website there’s only one example of a guy who nearly sold his idea. Does anyone of you have more info on this.